My soul is dancing - I have had this crazy idea my entire life that I could have a love that is committed, stable, supportive, a SAFE space to come home to and to grow in together, set and work on goals together, real open communication, be able to be true to self, and have respect and yet have adventure, abandon, spontaneity, wild passion, freedom, playfulness, and the freedom of exploration. Most people seem to feel you get one or the other of the sides of this coin in relationships and it is certainly RARE to find a model of this that is successful in the world.
Those of us who are on the fringe of society because we are different, face even more challenges then the average person to find fulfilling healthy relationships. In fact, when I officially announced that I was going to medically transition I had a dear friend who is very open minded say to me, " Now that is going to make it difficult for you to date." As a person who had ridden a roller coaster in the dating world partly due to figuring out who I am inside and how to navigate that in this society safely and communicate it, this statement from my friend stopped me in my tracks and made me think. My motivation to transition of course had nothing to do with dating or thinking about dating, it only had to do with being true to myself. But my friends statement did make me wonder how would people view me? Would they view me as even more of a freak? Would there be anyone who understood and or got me? I did not have the answers to any of these questions and went forward anyway because I was at a point where I could no longer live my life as if I was playing the part in a movie, or wearing a Halloween costume year around to make others feel more comfortable. I could no longer live a lie. I am happy to say that since transition the opposite has been true, I have had even more people want to date me, which surprised me. I asked my partner why she thought this was so, and her response was " that when a person is authentic and true to themselves, that is attractive and rare."
I have struggled with traditional models of things from an early age from gender roles to relationship models. I always questioned what society feeds us as the way or the right way to be or have a relationship, although I did try to make parts of their way work for much of my life and failed miserably. The models of monogamy and marriage we grow up with in society are usually accompanied with shame and guilt. If it is not done in the way the majority do it in our society even though that way has not been very successful for most we shame people as a society. I have always said as a business person if marriage is my product and it is brought back to me because it did not work more then fifty percent of the time, I would be out of business! Why do we keep using this model? It makes me think of the Einstein quote "The true definition of insanity is, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results," Yet I have to recognize that there are defiantly some things about the concept of marriage that are attractive to me.
- Having a strong home base
- Knowing you have a safe space
- Taking care of one another
- Knowing someone that well
- Creating a healthy sense of family
- Someone you can count on
The parts that I want nothing to do with are
- Feeling boxed in - lack of freedom
- Jealousy
- Guilt if it does not work out - or if you are attracted to anyone else
- Expectations to fit a societal mold
- Gender role expectations within traditional relationships
- Weight of the concept that I had to be that persons everything and they had to be mine, FOREVER
- The things above created the feeling for me and does for many that I have talked with about this feeling that I could not be honest about my feelings and desires (coming from the south did not help with this, where few talk about anything REAL)
I have examined this and been able to look at the fact that there are some things I would like to take from that concept and create in a relationship. Part of the freeing beauty I have discovered now is that I and my partner or partners have the liberating ability to CREATE how our relationship works best for us. WOW! Why don't they tell you this as a young person. I don't have to do it the way mom and dad or my grandparents did, or the way the majority does it. I can breathe, create, experiment, and explore what works with my partner/partners. There is no wrong or right way, there is the way that works for us. I discovered that a polyamorous style of relationships works best for me and there are even different models of poly. Some people seem to think being poly means free sex with many, these are the same folks who think that all that gay men do is have sex. If that were only true, laughing. Poly to most in the poly community, is having more then one committed relationship with open communication with all involved. This is not easy, this requires great communication skills and communication times two or three or whatever. Then in the poly world there are primary and secondary relationships, triads and sometimes just now and then play partners. This maybe something that works for you or not, that is not the point.
The point of all of this is to examine how what we are doing is serving us. I ask many people when it comes to tradition or rituals, "why do you do that." Most reply, "because my family did it that way or my church, I don't know." My next question is, "how is that serving you now?" The same can be asked in the style of relationships we have or the way we negotiate or navigate our relationships. Is using the model you are using serving you or could you create something more fitting for you and your partner or partners. I have questioned myself this way about everything I thought I knew about relationships and sex to come to this place of discovery of what works for me. My life's work now is to create safe space for all to be true to self and this is another area that many are not living true to themselves in for a variety of reasons and the reasons really don't matter. What matters is finding a way to get to a place that we can be true to self.
The beauty, fun and freedom to start from scratch and create what actually works for you is amazing and enlightening. Most of us have never felt that we have the right to create our own, few people are told they can or it is ok to create your own. I am here to tell you it is OK, you have the right. Here are the guidelines that my partner and I have developed for our relationship that work for us.
- Always consider one another in all we do
- Be respectful of one another and of all involved
- Remember real authentic love fosters growth - (change is not threatening)
- Always give one another a safe space to be and grow and come back to
- Communicate/communicate/communicate with love and compassion
My desire as I said is for all to have the safe space to be true to self and to live in love and happiness. I believe I had to walk the road of learning to be true to myself personally before I could have a healthy relationship with anyone else. Then and only then have I been able to examine what is being true to myself in a relationship and am now able to come from a place of authenticity that changes everything. I am so sorry for past relationships that I failed in because I was not at a place of authenticity within, because no matter how hard I tried to make those relationships work or my partners did there is no way to have open communication with someone else when one is not authentic with themselves or is living a lie. If you and I are authentic and real with ourselves then we navigate the entire world including relationships in an entirely different way. It is liberating and allows us to walk through the world with an new openness and willingness to be vulnerable. Being authentic with oneself is constant work, but choosing that path is ultimately releasing.
Now go Create what serves you! Find a way to "BE TRUE TO SELF"
