Your “JUNK” & Sex Positivity

I hear many people refer to their genitals using derogatory terms like junk.  Where does this come from?  We also use words that mean sex or sexual body parts as curse words like “Fuck” or calling someone a “Prick” and I could go on and on.  When I moved to Seattle in two thousand and eight,  I heard the term “sex positivity” for the first time.  I never heard the words sex and positive in a sentence together in the south.  I was taken by this concept of creating such a thing as a positive outlook on sex.  I always believed sex to be a positive thing personally, and I am not sure how I managed to keep a positive view of sex when I was constantly receiving negative messages about the subject growing up.  Our culture and society usually paints sex as dirty, something to be ashamed of and something we should not talk openly about.  I grew up in the Bible Belt.  Ouch.  If you aren’t from the Bible Belt and you think the messages you heard about sex were negative the ones in the Bible Belt were worse.  We were taught more rules about sex or abstinence then lying or any other so called sin.  Sex, was portrayed to be an evil thing and still is in many places.  This shoved down the throats of young people  grow up with guilt and hang ups around their sexuality which for most continued into adulthood and resulted in people being ashamed of their bodies and desires.  All of this creates a society of dysfunctional people and many of those people pass the same teachings on to their children.

We were all created as sexual beings.  Why should we be ashamed of something that is an innate part of ourselves?  The clitoris is an organ that’s primary function is pleasure.  We are supposed to enjoy this gift we were given.  It is supposed to be a positive thing and it's even good for our overall health.  They did not tell us that at the Christian School, in church or in any school in the South for that matter.  If the negativity that surrounds sexuality, gender and all that has to do with us as sexual beings is going to change; WE have to take steps to facilitate that change.  I believe by using words that have to do with our genitals and sex in a negative fashion we are perpetuating the shame and negativity around sexuality.  I have been guilty of this myself.  I am rethinking this and consciously changing the way I use these words.  I want to be a part of creating more sex positivity in the world and less shame and negativity.

 The fact that so much emphasis is put on genitalia in this society is amazing and shallow.   What is funny to me is the judgments people make about a person’s genitalia by their outward appearance.  Like, the big muscular guy has to have a large penis, (not always true).  One thing that I have found is that the size of the penis nor a specific way a vulva may looks has nothing to do with making anyone a good lover.  In fact the way one makes love or their "sexual skills" doesn’t have anything  their genitals at all, it has to do with our largest sex organ our brain.

Why is there so much shame about our own bodies.  If our bodies are not a certain way, don’t have the TV actor or runway model look, we don’t measure up.  Bullshit!  I love the variety that we humans come in.  Yes, we all want to be healthy and have been given an amazing machine to carry us around this adventure of life.  Make friends with it.  Appreciate the wonder of it.  Be kind to it.  Enjoy it.  It serves you.  Each cell in this shell called a body that carries us around has intelligence.  These intelligent cells hear all of the messages we send them.  We can tell these cells we appreciate them, send them love and gratitude or we can tell them daily that we hate them, It is our choice.  This choice does affect our health, physically, mentally and spiritually.  As an energy healer, I can tell you that many people I have ever met with a physical illness have a strong emotion connection tied to that illness.  We all have tapes or messages that play in our heads.  Some are negatives things from our parents, from being bullied or from the shit that our society has fed us.   As adults we get to choose to change these messages and create new ones.  Choose a better message to send to the cells in this amazing body you were given.  Focus on the wonder of it.  I believe you can make changes in your health and body but only after you have made peace and friends with the one you have now. 

I challenge you to join me in starting to being more conscious of the words we use and the way we talk about sexuality, gender and our bodies.  Let’s be a part of creating a more sex positive culture. The next time you hear someone referring to their genitals as “JUNK” ask them why.  Just getting people to think about the way they talk about their bodies and sex can create positive change. 

A Sex Positive Culture, what an amazing concept!  I wish I had grown up in one and we can make that happen for future generations.

Changing the Transgendered Employment Dilemma

Most of society has no clue what a transgendered person may go through on a job search.  As if getting a job is not difficult enough in this day and age there are many more strikes against a transgendered person in any job market.  Recent studies (the first such studies by the way) done on our transgendered population show that being transgendered makes it much more likely that they will be harassed on the job, receive less pay and have more difficulty in getting a job in the first place.  The transgendered population has double the rate of unemployment and two to four times the rate of poverty which is the highest of any minority.  For trans folks who have jobs 97% say they experienced harassment on the job and 47% experienced significant losses in promotions, jobs or pay raises.  As in any many cases with minorities these are only what is reported.  Many trans folk will not report harassment or issues with their employment for a variety of reasons.  They may not want to draw attention to themselves or the issue to avoid more discrimination if they rock the boat, or they may not want to take the chance of being outed to their co-workers if they are not already out.

Here is just a small taste of what I am going through during my current search for a better job and what most transgendered people deal with.  The biggest issue is that for most of us our identification, documents, college transcripts, etc do not all reflect our current name or gender marker.  What happens when you give this to your potential employer?  It means that you have to out yourself immediately. This makes it very easy if someone has an issue with you being transgendered to just not give you the job and use any reason they like no matter how qualified you are.

Then there is the issue of old work references.  This is a great one.  Can you imagine having to call and tell old employers who know nothing about your transition and are not a part of your life, about your transition and just hope they will be ok with it to give you a reference without bias? Then explain to your potential employer that if you call this reference you will have to use my old name, oh and they will refer to me as she.  This can put everyone in a very uncomfortable spot.

I am from the south, went to a Southern Baptist Christian high school and college.   How well do you think this will all go over with them?  All of my prior work history is in the Bible Belt.  You get the point.  If they even bothered to call back or give any reference at all, do you think they could overcome their cultural and religious biases, even if you did a great job when you were there?  I have to admit even as confident and out as I am, the thought of someone calling about my education or old job references is at times discouraging and nerve racking.  And many people are not as open or as confident as I am.  It saddens me to think about the struggles my trans peers go through just to find employment. The state I am from, Florida, is one of the many states that can legally refuse to change gender on a birth certificate even with a medical doctor and psychiatrist letter saying you have met all requirements and are should now be considered male or female.  Many of our own brothers and sisters in the LGBQ community are clueless about the issues that a transgendered person faces.  While there is plenty of discrimination against the LGBQ community, it pales in comparison to the added discrimination doled out to the trans community concerning documentation and work history. 

I have not even yet covered the topic of the large amount of young people who have been kicked out of home for being transgendered and are on the streets, many of whom never got to finish high school and are living day to day survival because their families have abandoned them for being who they are, leaving them hopeless, vulnerable and living in poverty with no home or work.  Seattle and San Francisco are the two places most of these young people that are LGBTQ run away to when they are kicked out or cannot take the harassment any longer.  I am proud to live in Seattle, a place that gives them hope to come to.  We as citizens have a big responsibility to step up and do what we can to help these young transgendered citizens.  It is good for us all when they have hope, get an education and can hold down a job.

There are still 35 states that it is still perfectly legal to fire or not hire someone strictly because they are transgendered.  Why, if we are the United States are we not united as one when it comes to ALL civil rights?  Why do we let individual states decide things that are the core of who we are supposed to be as a country?  How it is ok for one state to say you cannot discriminate in this way and others states to freely discriminate?  In 1967, the Supreme Court finally decided that if was unconstitutional for states to ban interracial marriage and legalized interracial marriage as a right for all.  Some individual states had legalized interracial marriage for years, however most likely the other states would have never legalized it if the Supreme Court had not stepped in and said enough.

It is time that we the people stand up and say to the President, Congress and the Supreme Court “enough!”  Let’s insist that we stop allowing individual states to openly discriminate against any minority.  It is bad for all of us as a country when any group is held down from success.  We are talking jobs here, people.  We are talking about people having the ability to pay bills and not live on the streets or need government assistance.  This affects us all.  We are connected, whether you agree with someone or not, like them or not. Their ability to take care of themselves and be successful in this country or your country wherever you are, affects you and us as a whole. 

More cities need to follow the lead of those few who are leading the way towards equal rights for all.  The City of Seattle is working toward a Transgendered Employment Empowerment Program.  To help the many young people get their GED’S and college educations, housing, food and mentoring.  This program will also help those who transition later in life, like me, with getting all of ones documents changed correctly, learning how to transition in your job or search for a new job during or right after transition.  This is an exciting program that will help our city grow and have more citizens that can contribute to the greatness and strength of Seattle. 

Join me and my transgendered allies as we change the world.  If you are in Seattle get involved with our new program.  If you’re reading this from outside of the Pacific Northwest, take the time to look at what the laws are for your state and city.  If they need changing, start the process.  It just takes a few dedicated individuals to change the world.  So step up and change it.

Trans Dating Dilemma

When Transgendered people date, there are several things to consider that most people never think of.  When a transperson "passes" as the gender they know they are inside, they have a tough choice to make on how to their lives as who they are.   They have to choose whether or not they want to be openly out in their daily life about being transgendered or not.  Many transpeople choose to not be out due to society’s stigmas and judgments.  

The dilemma is even more difficult when it comes to dating.  If the transperson is Bi or is attracted to people of the opposite gender then they are considered straight in our binary gender world.  For many this can feel good after years of feeling like an outsider.  The dilemma and questions are when a transgendered person finds someone they like and are interested in dating when do they reveal that they are transgendered?  Do they let the person get to know them some as a person before saying anything?   Do they tell right away and risk that the person they are attracted to may choose to reject them immediately?  Or, if they’re post–op do they never tell?  There are pros and con's for each question and every transperson has to come to this delicate decision on their own all the while being considerate for the other unknowing person at the same time.  A delicate balance for sure. 

Let’s look at the pros and cons of these three questions:
* Do they let the person get to know them some as a person before saying anything?

Pros                                                                                   
They can learn more about your character and who you really are.
Gives you chance to see if the relationship is worth the risk of revealing yourself
Gives a chance to learn more about the person’s possible bias and prejudice

Cons
You or the other person falls for the other,  then they find out they cannot handle your history
They could become very angry and  feel tricked if you wait to tell them -- which could be dangerous


*Do they tell right away and risk that the person they are attracted to may choose to reject them immediately?

Pros
If they have bias of prejudice you will know right away
You don't have to worry about being outed
Creates more open communication
Relationship starts out with honesty

Cons
Person may choose to bail and not give you a chance
Person may out you to others if you have common friends or work together
Person could feel this gives them the right to ask many very personal questions very early

*Or, if they’re post–op do they never tell?

Pros
You fit into society's so-called  “Norm”
You live your fantasy life

Cons
You have secrets --the relationship is never based on total honesty
You always have to worry about being outed.
If they somehow find out they feeling lied to.

Of course, I don't think we should be judged based on the physical but based on who we are inside –our  spirit, our character, our heart.  However, our society creates a world that bases so much on the outward shell of a person and many times one never sees the true person at all.  This is like judging a book by the cover and never reading any of the story and is a shame. 
At the same time to try and see the other side -- I have to admit that our society has brainwashed people into thinking that gender is all about the outer shell.  It is a rare person who can escape the societal imperative to look at gender as all about outward appearances.   Look at how much people spend on the making their outer shell look good.   There is an amazing sense of importance we give to appearance, even though it reveals very little about a person’s true nature -- their heart, spirit or character.   I am by no means taking all of the responsibility off of the individual for judgmentalism, sexism or any other  ism, however I do feel we have to look at how our society keep this monster of non-acceptance alive and thriving. We are part of our society so we have have to take responsibility for its prejudices and biases.

I choose to be totally out and upfront from the beginning.  I am a very out activist and have chosen that path on my own free will.  If someone has biases or prejudices regarding who I am, I want to know right away -- which is one of the reasons I no longer live in the South.  Sadly, there are transgendered people who live in areas where there is little education and acceptance.   Their choices are tougher.   The choice of when to tell can be swayed by demographics as well as other factors.    Coming out to potential partners is a tough decision and it’s never an easy one.  My hope is that one day our world will judge based on who a person really is or better yet not judge at all.  As far as dating, one day maybe it will be about a person’s character, how much fun you have with them, compassion, kindness, and how they move through this world instead of  how someone looks or what exactly is in or not in their pants.  Here's to that future.

LGBTQ Finger Pointing

LGBTQ Finger Pointing

Discrimination with our own community

Why can’t we all get along?  Why do people, even other minorities, feel the need to point fingers at one-another?  Is this a competition? Why don’t we, within out own community of all people, realize that discriminating is not a solution?  Why do people who have been discriminated against and know how discrimination feels tolerate discrimination in their communities?  I could go on and on with these questions.  I’m baffled --we continue to hurt each other and I can’t figure out why.

I lived as a lesbian as many Female to Male (FTM’s) transgendered people do for a period of time because many times the butch community is the only comfortable place for us to reside until we transition.  We can be closer to our true selves there then anywhere.  It is acceptable to be very masculine in the lesbian culture and butches are even praised by many for their masculinity.  The lesbian world is a close-knit good Ol’ Gals club in my experience.  Many have strong opinions about the opposite gender, ie:  MEN”.  In my experience, some of the lesbians I’ve encountered think men always have bad intentions toward women.  I realize I may catch some flak for saying this however that is my experience.  I was, at one time, a very visible leader in the lesbian community therefore to some my transition was a shock, and even a betrayal.  And regardless of their standing in the lesbian/dyke community, I have heard that other FTM’s have received this same reaction.   I realize that many of these women think my transition is leaving their “camp” and therefore I’m betraying them and in some ways all women.  There are old lesbian friends who no longer speak to me.  And there are some who voice very strong opinions about my transition to my friends but not to my face.  Of course I eventually hear about it and it saddens me.

Let me make a few things clear: My transition has nothing to do with you!  My transition has nothing to do with hating or disliking any gender.  My transition has to do with what I feel inside, with me being true to who I am.  My transition has to do with me trying to walk in this world in comfort and completeness.  My transition is not about making you feel uncomfortable, whether it does or not.

The truth is sadly, some lesbian don’t like any men.  Some gay men don’t like lesbians.  Some gays and some straights don’t like bisexuals.  Some monogamous people don’t like bi or polyamorous folks.  Some homosexuals don’t like that many now are using the title queer instead of gay or lesbian. And a lot of people don’t like those transgendered people who are even more misunderstood than bisexuals.  Then there are the straight people, ugh.   Some people just don’t like anything that is different from them!

All of us in the LGBTQ community do not follow the so-called norms of our society.  We are minorities and we should stop judging each other!  We all have been and are discriminated against enough in this world without us adding to that discrimination.  My aunt used to say “when you have one finger pointing out at anyone else, look down and notice that there are three fingers pointing back at you.”

How can we as a community expect society to not discriminate against us when we discriminate against our own community? Let’s stop taking up arms against one another, even if we don’t understand each other.  Let’s realize that someone else’s sexuality or sexual orientation does not threaten who we are.   Let’s be open to learning more about each other.  Let’s realize that it’s the individual that can be an ass and not label entire categories of people because of the actions of a few.  Let’s stop doing the very thing that we don’t want done to us!   

I challenge you to examine within yourself ways that you can make efforts to better understand others within the LGBTQ community.  Make bridges and walk toward each other.  Step outside of your comfort zone.  Learn to enjoy the beautiful variety within your community and the world.  It’s well worth the effort

The World is Your Bathroom

Most people never think about the fact that when one can stand and pee, the world becomes their bathroom.  Think about camping or on a long road trip when you cannot find facilities, or the line is long.  Those who have the stand and pee privilege can go behind a tree or building.  Everything about relieving themselves is more convenient.  For many transgendered people both FTM and MTF there is so much stress that comes with using public restrooms.  These are some of the messages that go through many transgendered people minds on the subject;

• will I pass
• Is anyone going to stare at me
• will I be called out
• am I safe in here
• & some are figuring out which restroom to use ~ which will be less embarrassing or more safe

Many try to hold as long as they can to avoid this entire scenario. Being someone who has now experienced both the women's and men's restrooms in our crazy world, I can tell you they like two different countries.  In the women's room, women talk!  They make friends.  They ask complete strangers to help them fix their bra strap, or solve any number of female issues.  Women's room are also sooooo much cleaner.  That is the only thing I miss about the women's room.  In men's rooms no one hardly makes eye contact or speaks.  There is an occasional nod as men pass each other entering or exiting and that is it.  It is not a social time as it many times is in the women's room. 

One big dilemma for FTM transgendered people is - what will people think if I always use a stall and sit to pee.  Most FTM's are very self-conscious about this.  In some other countries many mothers teach boys to pee sitting so the don't end up with drips on the toilet.   There is nothing wrong with sitting and peeing! Own it or buy something to help you stand and pee. 
There are now many products meant to help one pee standing.  Check them out

• The Pstyle ~ http://thepstyle.com/
• Stand2Pee ~ DVD that teaches you how ~ http://www.stand2pee.com/
• PackandPee ~ http://www.mangoproducts.net/PackAndPee.htm
• GoGirl ~ http://www.go-girl.com/
• ShePee ~ http://shepee.org/

That should give you enough to check out for now.  There are also videos on how to make your own. All of these devices take some practice in the privacy of ones home before venturing into the mens room to stand at the urinal.  I recommend practicing in your shower so you don't have to wipe up the mess you will make while learning.  People also say peeing from a vagina sounds different and are concerned that someone will be cognisant of the sound variation.  FLUSH - or wait until someone else flushes.

 All of this being said if you are a lover, family member or friend of a transgendered person be sensitive to this bathroom issue.  That is can cause a great deal of stress especially early in transition .  Many transgendered people are embarrassed to talk about this.  Let me point out that I have also seen this rest room dilemma effect butch lesbians or feminine men who are not transgendered but don't fit societies norm for the labeled rest room they choose to use.  It would be mature and more user friendly for most if our society would get over this need to label rest rooms all together.  Until they do my advice is be sensitive to others and walk into whatever bath room like you own it. 

Happy Peeing!

Making love with a transgender person

It was recently brought up in a conversation with a friend that there really isn't much information out there for partners dealing with certain aspects of transition. I have been coaching some trans guys and their partners on just this subject. One question I have been asked several times by partners, girlfriends or boyfriends of transgendered people is "How do I make love to my transgendered lover in a way that makes them comfortable and a way that makes them feel loved?".  First of all, if you are having sex with (or thinking of having sex with a transgendered person) one very important thing like the use of the correct pronoun will make that person feel more comfortable. How you refer to the person's body parts is the same way.  Most transgendered guys do not have bottom surgery because it is not that good and you could loose feeling.  Therefor we are guys who technically still have a vagina but I,certainly, and most of us don't want you to call it that and after being on testosterone for a while believe me it is not the same.  Each individual is different in how they want you to address their genitals. So as with pronouns; when in any doubt- ask.  This is one way to make your transgendered lover feel more comfortable and that you understand them.  Some transgendered people are very uncomfortable with their bodies the way they are now, helping them feel that you see them the way they see themselves, and want the world to see them, will open them up to you and help them feel understood.
Sex does change on hormone therapy, even for partners that have been together a long time.  For transmen your clitoris become much larger and much more sensitive.  It also gets very hard and reacts very similar to a penis.  The sex drive for transmen increases and for transwomen usually decreases.  These are general things that can help, but when making love to anyone communication is the most important part of being a good lover!  Don't be afraid. Even if it makes your trangendered lover a little uncomfortable at first- TALK about it.  Everyone wants a lover that cares enough to find out want they want and like and what drives them wild.  Everyone wants a lover that is sensitive to how they receive love.
So-- HOW do you bring this topic up in conversation? If a potential lover approached me I would want them to say something like "I want to make love to you in a way that makes you comfortable. How can I do that for you?" It is important to me that my partner tell me that they love my body and want to learn my language. Everyone has "trigger" words they don't like. For example; some women (straight, gay, or trans) don't like the word "cunt". Other women are totally fine with it. It is all a matter of learning your lover. Some people try to have sex the same way with every partner. As if they run on auto-pilot. This is ridiculous, and won't help anyone enjoy themselves. Taking time, and making an effort are the keys to creating the right environment to have amazing sex. Even though these intial conversations are uncomfortable to have at times; when a lover cares enough to ask these questions- at least for me- it means a great deal.  Whoever you are making love to- make the effort to learn them. Ask the questions. Study your lover. Now get out there and make some GOOD lovin'!

There is no easy way to fly

I have been asked the question several times and seen this question posted on sights, "How do you love a Trans person"?  This amazes me, arent we all individuals and different?   But I will try and tackle it.  We Trans people are like all other people, we want to be seen, heard, loved, felt, understood, adored, and we want someone who can get us and connect. You may think we are more complicated but actually we are all complicated.  It takes someone caring enough to explore what makes you tick.  Each person is different.  Maybe a few things that we have in common best I can tell is that we want you to judge us for our spirit not just our physical bodies.  We don't want you to think you know who we are or judge us due to the body we were born in.  We want you to get and respect our energy, our spirit and value that more then the exterior.  We want you to understand that gender is not black and white and just let us be who we are and not try and put us in a box.  We Don't FIT!  We want you to be willing and open to explore even though you don't totally understand, because really we don't totally understand, we are just being who we feel.  Give us that FREEDOM! and we will give you the FREEDOM to be whomever you are. We can all be FREE, what an amazing concept.  We are all forced by this confining society to be or present as things to please or fit into this convuluted world that are not really true to us.  We all wear some mask and put them on to make it in this judgmental, conforming world in order to survive and have some simulation of success.  You want to know how to love a Trans person... its really simple.  I don't really think its different from what ANYONE else wants.  The FREEDOM to be who ever the fuck they are and be respected, seen, hear and loved in that.  There is no easy way to fix this, there is no easy way to fly.  These gender boxes are ingrained deep within our society and our training. We just do our best to try and understand each other, be open to one another and to walk this journey together giving each other room to be and grow, love and expereience and succeed. I want to care about you and your journey and I want you to care about mine.  We are afterall, all connected weather that is hard to admit or not.  Maybe I'm living in a dream, but I like my dream.