A Regular Guy
Recently, someone called me “a regular guy,” I
chuckled. There has never been much that
is regular about me, but it actually felt nice in the context that It came from
to be called just a regular guy. Not
sure how you would actually define a regular guy but the intent was “someone I
can talk to and relate to”. When a
person transitions it affects those around them and each person who knows them
even casually has to adjust and is challenged by this change in some way. I think the reason this has such a far
reaching affect is due to the heavy brainwashing that goes on in our society regarding
gender roles. From the time we are old
enough to understand anything we are told, and shown, that things are different
if you have a vulva than if you are born with a penis; even to the extent of
the toys the child should choose to play with or not. What does a penis or vagina have to do with
that?
Those who met me or knew me before any medical part of my
transition and before I said publically I am transitioning of course have a different
perspective from those who have meet me and gotten to know me since. The ones who have meet me since say they
cannot even imagine any hint of female. The
funny thing is those who knew me before always said things to me like “you are
not like any girl I know,” and “you are more masculine then most men I know.” These comments were before any hormone
treatment of medical procedures. Some of
those same people from the past have had a hard time with me moving forward
with transition and others say it makes total sense.
I have the privilege, as some of you know, of singing in the
Seattle Men’s Chorus with two-hundred and fifty wonderful guys. This last concert series we did had a big
affect on my relationship with some of the guys in the chorus. We did a version of the Beatle’s song
“Imagine”, they asked a few of us in the chorus to come out as disenfranchised
people and hold a sign. I stood out in
front of thousands holding a sign that said “Transgendered.” Not all of the
guys in the chorus knew, so I was outing myself, yet again. As an activist I do this often even though I
don’t have to. This made many of the
guys step forward and be more vocal about their support or to talk to me about
it. One of my fellow singers, who I’d
never had a chance to spend time with before, grabbed a snack and drink with me
before the concert. He had always been
friendly but we had never chatted before, other than saying “hi, how are you.” We chatted for about an hour, laughed and
had a good time, at the end of the conversation he said to me “Mac, may I tell
you something?” I of course said sure. He said, “I never really knew what to say to
you before and was afraid I would say something wrong that would offend you so
I kind of avoided talking to you other than saying hi, but you are really easy
to talk to and a fun, nice, regular guy. I am really glad we have had a chance to
talk.” I have thought about that
conversation a great deal since and wondered how many others feel something
similar -- worried about slipping on a pronoun or saying something offensive or
concerned that they don’t know the lingo.
The way I am, if I know your intent is good then I figure we all make
mistakes. I don’t expect you to be
perfect or know it all. While some
people in the GLBTQ community are quick to chastise people who don’t understand
all of the lingo, I don’t believe this helps make positive change.
Tips to help you talk with a Transgendered person
§
When not sure what pronoun to use ASK
§
If you slip – Apologize
§
If you don’t understand something ASK
§
No one transitions to offend you or make your
life more difficult
§
We don’t bite unless asked nicely ;)
§
You can’t catch it
§
You will most likely never completely understand
this if you are not transgendered
§
Have compassion
§
If you don’t understand something ASK
As transgendered people we also have a
responsibility to help create positive change; like being understanding
and forgiving when people make a mistake.
If we must correct a person do it with grace and a smile. I don’t believe most people’s intent is to
hurt or offend. No matter how many times
we have been hurt or offended if we choose to look from a positive perspective
and not a negative one; things will change for the better. We can control our own attitudes --starting
with removing the chips off our shoulders!
We are all people first, let’s never forget
that. Then all the other labels
represent pieces of us. Uncle, lover,
partner, brother, son, friend, artist, activist, athlete, singer, homosexual,
heterosexual, bi-sexual, man, woman, transgendered, intersexed. I could go on and on with the many labels we
are dealt or give ourselves but really I am just a regular guy with various
labels. No one label is better than the
other; they just represent a little piece of the pie of who we are. Some days I am just a regular guy, who likes
to hang out with my friends and puppies and have good beer.
Thanks Mac! Very helpful advice and great insight into your life. Glad you are part of the chorus!
ReplyDeleteMac, the more I get to know you, the more I realize what a priviledge and honor it is to call you my friend.
ReplyDeleteAdded bonus: whenever I'm with you I feel completely safe knowing you can kick anybody's ass.
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ReplyDeleteWell done Mac. I think we've been sipping of the same spiritual ether. I just posted the below on a thread about when and for how long we label ourselves "trans."
ReplyDelete"I do not identify as a "trans" woman. I always understood my subconscious sex to be female. Was I assigned the gender of male at birth, yes. That is one of many labels I've been called. Did I internalize it, anguish over it, despise it; did it fill me with rage and sadness, yes. I decide how I identify and that is not a topic for debate with me. Everyone has opinions much like everyone has other parts. I feed the white wolf.
I am a woman with a medical condition. That condition is called transsexualism. Current research supported by the AMA/APA indicates this condition likely resulted from a combination of genetics and anomalies in the first trimester. Good. That research also posits that women like me were born with female brains and endocrine systems. That hypothesis seems true to me based on my own experience with HRT over the last 11 months.
I do not know my chromosome configuration. I do know as a student who excelled in the natural sciences that genetics are far, far more complex that simple XY combinations.
Our understanding of transsexualism and transgenderism based on medical research is in its infancy. Consequently, a healthy dose of humility is prudent when construing an opinion on another's gender identity. For those who would hold strong positions, please take a moment to consider the advancements in the sciences over the last century.
Spiritually, psychologically, intimately, energetically, I am a woman. Anyone who has met me knows this.
Whether you choose to identify as trans is your choice and will always be respected by me. It is your path, your truth. You alone decide for yourself how you will identify where it counts most."