Lonely Champion
When people find out I am trans they usually ask “when did
you start transition?” The answer to
that question is much more complicated than people realize. If society never told those of us who are
transgendered that anything was wrong with who we are, I don’t believe anyone
would need to go through surgeries, hormones or other treatments to change our
bodies and appearance. I was fine with
my body and who I was until society started putting me in their
categories. Such as, I should not want
to play with certain toys because I had a vagina and I should want to play with
baby dolls because I had a vagina. That
I had to get in this group or that group because of my genitalia even if that
is not the group I related to at all.
Transition, to me, starts when society shows us where we are supposed to
neatly fit and some of us realize we just don’t fit there; when we feel that
society is telling us there is something wrong with us and then we begin the
struggle to figure out how and where we can fit. I began my transition when I was four or
five. While playing with other kids, I changed my name and told them I was Matt
Dillon. I dressed like the good sheriff
and told them that was who I was. This
was not a phase, I constantly used boy’s names whenever I could as a kid in any
play situation I could, and was always the guy who would rescue the girl. I was desperately trying to tell others who I
was in a way that a four or five year old can communicate. Asking when you started transition is like
asking someone “when did you decide that you were gay?” People do not just decide these things one
day; we go through a process of figuring
out how to be who we are in a society that in many ways does not allow room for
our diversity. Then we have to figure
out how to communicate who we are.
Transition does not begin when we start medical treatment. Transition begins when we are struggling to
find a way to fit in a society that does not make room for those of us who are
not at one end or the other of the gender spectrum. If we don’t fit on the ends of that scale it
makes people uncomfortable, therefore they do all they can to pressure us to
conform and fit into what is more comfortable for them. This causes many
transgendered people to sink into depression and withdraw. Tragically, 47% of transgendered individuals have attempted
suicide due to this pressure. No other
minority in the world has as high percentage of a depression and attempted
suicide rate. To hold ones head up and
walk through this world when everywhere we turn people and society are telling
us “you do not fit” is very challenging.
I believe this societal pressure also slows down the process we go
through of totally discovering who we are.
Most young people go through life discovering themselves without
constantly being told they are wrong and don’t fit. Of course all young people go through times
of not fitting in, but it isn’t the day to day experiences of not fitting in
that transgendered people experience.
Things are changing, but it is slow. Even though science has proven that gender is
a spectrum or a continuum, it takes a time for that knowledge to change the
hearts and minds of people who have been brainwashed for so many years that
there are only two types of gender and all of the proper behavior that comes
with each of those.
Here are just a few
places where you can learn more about the gender spectrum:
One of my partners said to me “it was
probably easier for you because you were an athlete, a jock.” In some ways yes, I had a place, I could be
tough and it was sometimes celebrated.
It was also the most constant reminder that people put me in a box that
I did not feel was mine nor where I fit.
In competition they had gender categories and I had to be in a female
category because of what they perceived was in my pants even though they had
not seen what was in or not in my pants.
They did not test my chromosomes or my hormones levels. These people thought I could only compete in
a category with other people who they thought had vulvas. I guarantee that the vulva’s did not all look
alike, nor were our hormone levels all the same and now that we know there are
over 60 variations of chromosomes I am sure those were not all alike
either. I did not fit well into the
group they put me with. When I was put
in women’s groups in sports I was constantly told back off, you are too
much, too aggressive. I was also told consistently “Wow you are so
strong for a girl.” I hated that! I could not seem to get away from the
reminders in the world of athletics, especially in competition, that I was
different and I was never what they understood me to be. When I announced that I was officially
transitioning one friend and a fellow high ranking martial arts instructor who
is female, said “you should not transition because you will not be as special
and as big of a fish as you are as a male martial artist.”
Yes, much of my fame as a martial artist
has been due to the fact that I was born with a vulva.
My
own instructor would feature me in demonstrations and shows because it was so
phenomenal what I could do as a “girl.”
This got me on the “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” show, the Discovery
Channel and more. Most people never knew
how hard that was for me inside. Why couldn’t
they just understand that I was good?
Why did they need to constantly say I was amazing for a “girl?” Even though it was very difficult and I did
not like being put in a category, I always chose to look at the positive and I
am glad that I could walk that journey and hopefully help show the world that
one’s athletic performance, strength, persistence and drive is not a due to one’s
genitalia. All of this attention was due
to the fact that I was not just what they called a “girl” but an exception to
all of what they knew as “girl” made it harder for me to say what I really felt
inside. How could I explain to them
that, no, I am really not a girl? I didn’t
feel like a girl and never had. I felt
like I was playing a part in a movie and that almost no one really got who I
was. It was a very lonely place to be
because people were so SET in their perceptions.
I am proud that I feel I have walked a
journey in the world of sports and martial arts that has hopefully paved a
better way for women. I am proud I have
shown that people born with a vulva can do more than those born with penises ever
realized or understood and, and even
more than many born with vulvas thought. I have had many women walk up to me
and tell me I have inspired them that they can do more than they had previously
believed and that is a positive that I can keep. I do have a unique understanding for what
many women face all the time.
Perceptions they face because of the load of crap our society feeds us
about gender and gender roles. Because
of this experience, I will always be a guy who lives and works to help empower
women and break those archaic perceptions of gender and gender roles. I also have to be myself and gender is about
how we are in our hearts and minds.
Science has also proven through mapping the minds of transgendered
people that our minds are wired and work the way of the gender we feel we are
inside. Which is no surprise to me;
because I have always known that my mind is wired on the male side of the
gender spectrum.
My experience has taught me so much. I feel at times that I played a part in a
movie and in order to do what I loved, I could not fully and openly be myself. I also know that walking that journey has
made me, in the long run, a better man with much more understanding for all who
face discrimination, societal pressure and who are struggling for the right and
freedom to be openly and fully who they are.
I don’t show emotion easily and as I am writing this there are tears
streaming down my face because I have never really talked about what was going
on inside of me while being the famous martial arts champion, expert and master
teacher. It was bitter sweet. Many thought I was great; I had it all. I was talented and yet I was struggling for
the strength to be fully true to who I am.
I was always concerned what would they think if they knew? Would knowing take away
my career, friends, and support? Where
would I fit? Here is one of the ironic
things about my relationship with my soul mate, the martial arts, on one hand I
believe it saved my life. Coming from
the totally fucked up childhood as I did, I found the martial arts at six years
old and it gave me something healthy to put the boundless energy I had into and
it gave me an alternative and more healthy family to be a part of. I also used it as an escape and a way out
from my fucked up family life. In doing
that I put all of my identity into it and into what I accomplished and
therefore became a crazy overachiever, while at the same time not feeling
understood or that I could be who I truly was.
Finally, I decided I could not hide any longer and I feel more at peace
inside then I ever have before. I also
was finally secure enough to realize that those who really cared about me would
want me to be happy even if they did not fully understand and I was willing to
risk losing some people that I cared about to be true to who I am.
The best gift we can give those we care
about, those who we call friends is the freedom to walk whatever their journey is
and even if we don’t fully understand it be supportive. Give them the freedom to be true to their
hearts and do not expect people to live a lie or hide a part of themselves just
to make yourself more comfortable.
