Recovering From the Lie

I was on an LGBTQ panel a couple weeks ago and a friend who is a transgender woman said something that really stuck out to me. She said that when you are over forty and trans, basically society taught us to lie. We had to lie to be safe, we had to cover up who we were to survive. When a person spends their first forty years having to lie and hide who they really are, how does that effect every part of that persons life.


Wow, it is true that many people have had to cover up parts of who they are to be safe. What kind of lasting effect does that have on people?  What effects does that have on our relationships?  As I contemplate these questions, something inside me knows that this has had a deep effect on many aspects of my life and the lives of all who have lived that experience. The idea of don't ask, don't tell is even asking people to lie, to cover up. When we work and live in a world where others can have pictures of who they love in the work place and gay people could not, or have to play a game or a part that is not true to who we are each day by how we present in order to be safe and have or keep a job. Many people have had to hide who they are to be accepted. When anyone has to do this for years how can living a life of lies like this not change a person? Having to live like that is existing under a constant state of hyper-pressure. Living in fear of being found out and what the consequences of that would be. These are real fears as many have lost jobs, been kicked out of families, churches, circle of friends or worse.


I think of relationships that I had with good people who would say things to me like " you don't talk to me enough about the real stuff." How can you when as a trans person, different from many of my gay friends, I did not think I could even share with partners what I was dealing with inside. How do you share or expect a partner or even close friends in the south in the 80's to understand this? There was no support group where I was and the internet was not there yet to find community.  We were very isolated at that time and before.  This experience has stayed with me in many ways, like with trusting people or always wondering if people really understand you or accept you fully. Those parts of me that were trained for so many years to carefully navigate the world take a time to work through if one ever totally does, it is certainly a form of PTSD. 


 Then when I finally got out of the south and felt I was in a safe enough space to share there were close friends from the south who said things to me like, "why didn't you feel like you could tell me."  It is hard not to laugh when people say such things. No matter how nice you were to me, you were nice as I presented, fitting into certain boxes that you were comfortable with. If I no longer fit into those boxes how was I to have any idea you would still accept me. How was I, or anyone like me, to know who to trust? Then coming out about being transgender and being very public about it, I have seen that people respond in many different ways. Some have come through and been able to talk with me and accept it and some have not, which is alright. I have to give others the same room to walk whatever their journey is, as I have asked for the safe space to walk mine. 


It is a good thing that many young people today don't understand this because we have been riding the wave of positive change in many ways. Much of the world is much more accepting than when I was a young person and I am glad for that. It is still important to understand that many of us did not grow up with that freedom and it has had lasting effects on us and our community. No one should have to live a life of lies to be safe or be able to have a job, love who they want to and progress in the world. If each of us let the people in our lives know that we want all to have the safe space and freedom to live authentically we can change this.

Trans Ninja

Follow this link to the article "Trans Ninja"  that I wrote for Seattle Gay News


http://sgn.org/sgnnews41_02/page8.cfm

The Re-Claiming of the Word Queer

Define Queer:  Queer is an umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities ^[1] that are not heterosexual, heteronormative, or gender-binary. In the context of Western identity politics the term also acts as a label setting queer-identifying people apart from discourse, ideologies, and lifestyles that typify mainstream LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transsexual) communities as being oppressive or assimilationist.  Since its emergence in the English language in the 16th century (related to the German quer, meaning "across, at right angle, diagonally or transverse"), queer has generally meant "strange", "unusual", or "out of alignment".

 

Working as an out activist in our world today is very different, terminology is constantly changing and it is important that we all do our best to keep up on this state of growth.  It is irrelevant whether we agree with it or not,  the fact is that if we want to be able to reach and communicate with various generations we have to be open to change while being respectful where others come from.  This movement to take back the word Queer is like women taking back the word Slut.  The word Queer for many was used in the past in a very derogatory fashion as a slam and to oppress.  Why should we keep giving people that much power over us as a community?   I like the idea of taking the word back and defining it and making it our own.  It gives us the power.  As Harvey Fierstein   said, “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.”  Now the word Queer is very trendy, especially with younger generations and I personally like the reasons that it is so popular.   People are tired of being boxed into binary sexuality, sexual orientation and gender roles.  Queer openly states that one does not buy into this binary system.  Both sexual orientation and gender spectrums are on a vast scale.  

Let’s talk about sexual orientation first.  The word queer in the context of sexual orientation covers, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, pomosexual, asexual, autosexual, heteroflexable and heterosexual people who’s sexual activity is considered out of the “norm”, like polyamory, BDSM and S&M.  Now that the book “50 Shades of Gray” is such a hit, there may be many more people joining in the group of those of us who identify outside of  what society considers the “norm.”  Those of us who would not be considered “vanilla” or even “beige” in most groups just because we are considered different from “mainstream.”  

Now to tackle the Queer part about gender identity, gender expression and gender roles.  This goes even deeper in our society then sexual orientation.  We are so brainwashed from the minute we come out of the womb that there are only two sides to who we are.   And we have to choose between the “Pink” team and the “Blue” team.  The term Queer says I do not buy this binary gender theology our society tries to force feed us.  It says there is a scale to gender and I will not pick a side.  It also challenges the gender roles that are ingrained in our culture in a way that is scary to many. 

Basically the word Queer tears down boundaries.  Boundaries that make some people feel safe and comfortable.  Boundaries that identify everyone, puts them (and many hope keeps them) in their neat little boxes. Reclaiming the word Queer is a political statement and it is liberating.  It is also more inclusive of our entire community.  So I challenge those over 40 to try and let go of the old stigma that the word Queer brings up and take the power back.  For the younger “Queers”, I challenge you help tear down these boundaries and I request that you be compassionate and patient with your predecessors as this may take some time to get used to.  Anytime we can re-claim something that anyone used against us or to hurt us with we regain our power and confidence.  The world is changing in a positive way for civil rights.  Let’s be open to ways we can step forward with an openness to learn from one another and educate in a compassionate way.

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

Lonely Champion

Lonely Champion 

“When did you start transition?”  The most commonly asked question and misunderstanding

When people find out I am trans they usually ask “when did you start transition?”  The answer to that question is much more complicated than people realize.  If society never told those of us who are transgendered that anything was wrong with who we are, I don’t believe anyone would need to go through surgeries, hormones or other treatments to change our bodies and appearance.  I was fine with my body and who I was until society started putting me in their categories.  Such as, I should not want to play with certain toys because I had a vagina and I should want to play with baby dolls because I had a vagina.  That I had to get in this group or that group because of my genitalia even if that is not the group I related to at all.  Transition, to me, starts when society shows us where we are supposed to neatly fit and some of us realize we just don’t fit there; when we feel that society is telling us there is something wrong with us and then we begin the struggle to figure out how and where we can fit.  I began my transition when I was four or five. While playing with other kids, I changed my name and told them I was Matt Dillon.  I dressed like the good sheriff and told them that was who I was.  This was not a phase, I constantly used boy’s names whenever I could as a kid in any play situation I could, and was always the guy who would rescue the girl.  I was desperately trying to tell others who I was in a way that a four or five year old can communicate.  Asking when you started transition is like asking someone “when did you decide that you were gay?”  People do not just decide these things one day;  we go through a process of figuring out how to be who we are in a society that in many ways does not allow room for our diversity.  Then we have to figure out how to communicate who we are.    

Transition does not begin when we start medical treatment.  Transition begins when we are struggling to find a way to fit in a society that does not make room for those of us who are not at one end or the other of the gender spectrum.  If we don’t fit on the ends of that scale it makes people uncomfortable, therefore they do all they can to pressure us to conform and fit into what is more comfortable for them. This causes many transgendered people to sink into depression and withdraw.  Tragically, 47%  of transgendered individuals have attempted suicide due to this pressure.  No other minority in the world has as high percentage of a depression and attempted suicide rate.   To hold ones head up and walk through this world when everywhere we turn people and society are telling us “you do not fit” is very challenging.  I believe this societal pressure also slows down the process we go through of totally discovering who we are.  Most young people go through life discovering themselves without constantly being told they are wrong and don’t fit.  Of course all young people go through times of not fitting in, but it isn’t the day to day experiences of not fitting in that transgendered people experience.   

Things are changing, but it is slow.  Even though science has proven that gender is a spectrum or a continuum, it takes a time for that knowledge to change the hearts and minds of people who have been brainwashed for so many years that there are only two types of gender and all of the proper behavior that comes with each of those.

 Here are just a few places where you can learn more about the gender spectrum: 

·        http://www.genderspectrum.org/

·        http://c-changeprogram.org/content/gender-scales-compendium/index.html

·        http://www.gender.org/

One of my partners said to me “it was probably easier for you because you were an athlete, a jock.”   In some ways yes, I had a place, I could be tough and it was sometimes celebrated.  It was also the most constant reminder that people put me in a box that I did not feel was mine nor where I fit.  In competition they had gender categories and I had to be in a female category because of what they perceived was in my pants even though they had not seen what was in or not in my pants.  They did not test my chromosomes or my hormones levels.  These people thought I could only compete in a category with other people who they thought had vulvas.  I guarantee that the vulva’s did not all look alike, nor were our hormone levels all the same and now that we know there are over 60 variations of chromosomes I am sure those were not all alike either.    I did not fit well into the group they put me with.  When I was put in women’s groups in sports I was constantly told back off, you are too much,   too aggressive.  I was also told consistently “Wow you are so strong for a girl.”  I hated that!  I could not seem to get away from the reminders in the world of athletics, especially in competition, that I was different and I was never what they understood me to be.  When I announced that I was officially transitioning one friend and a fellow high ranking martial arts instructor who is female, said “you should not transition because you will not be as special and as big of a fish as you are as a male martial artist.”

Yes, much of my fame as a martial artist has been due to the fact that I was born with a vulva. 

 My own instructor would feature me in demonstrations and shows because it was so phenomenal what I could do as a “girl.”  This got me on the “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” show, the Discovery Channel and more.  Most people never knew how hard that was for me inside.  Why couldn’t they just understand that I was good?  Why did they need to constantly say I was amazing for a “girl?”  Even though it was very difficult and I did not like being put in a category, I always chose to look at the positive and I am glad that I could walk that journey and hopefully help show the world that one’s athletic performance, strength, persistence and drive is not a due to one’s genitalia.  All of this attention was due to the fact that I was not just what they called a “girl” but an exception to all of what they knew as “girl” made it harder for me to say what I really felt inside.   How could I explain to them that, no, I am really not a girl?  I didn’t feel like a girl and never had.  I felt like I was playing a part in a movie and that almost no one really got who I was.  It was a very lonely place to be because people were so SET in their perceptions. 

I am proud that I feel I have walked a journey in the world of sports and martial arts that has hopefully paved a better way for women.  I am proud I have shown that people born with a vulva can do more than those born with penises ever realized  or understood and, and even more than many born with vulvas thought.  I have had many women walk up to me and tell me I have inspired them that they can do more than they had previously believed and that is a positive that I can keep.  I do have a unique understanding for what many women face all the time.  Perceptions they face because of the load of crap our society feeds us about gender and gender roles.  Because of this experience, I will always be a guy who lives and works to help empower women and break those archaic perceptions of gender and gender roles.   I also have to be myself and gender is about how we are in our hearts and minds.  Science has also proven through mapping the minds of transgendered people that our minds are wired and work the way of the gender we feel we are inside.  Which is no surprise to me; because I have always known that my mind is wired on the male side of the gender spectrum. 

My experience has taught me so much.  I feel at times that I played a part in a movie and in order to do what I loved, I could not fully and openly be myself.  I also know that walking that journey has made me, in the long run, a better man with much more understanding for all who face discrimination, societal pressure and who are struggling for the right and freedom to be openly and fully who they are.  I don’t show emotion easily and as I am writing this there are tears streaming down my face because I have never really talked about what was going on inside of me while being the famous martial arts champion, expert and master teacher.  It was bitter sweet.  Many thought I was great; I had it all.  I was talented and yet I was struggling for the strength to be fully true to who I am.  I was always concerned what would they think if they knew?  Would knowing take away my career, friends, and support?    Where would I fit?  Here is one of the ironic things about my relationship with my soul mate, the martial arts, on one hand I believe it saved my life.  Coming from the totally fucked up childhood as I did, I found the martial arts at six years old and it gave me something healthy to put the boundless energy I had into and it gave me an alternative and more healthy family to be a part of.   I also used it as an escape and a way out from my fucked up family life.  In doing that I put all of my identity into it and into what I accomplished and therefore became a crazy overachiever, while at the same time not feeling understood or that I could be who I truly was.  Finally, I decided I could not hide any longer and I feel more at peace inside then I ever have before.  I also was finally secure enough to realize that those who really cared about me would want me to be happy even if they did not fully understand and I was willing to risk losing some people that I cared about to be true to who I am. 

The best gift we can give those we care about, those who we call friends is the freedom to walk whatever their journey is and even if we don’t fully understand it be supportive.  Give them the freedom to be true to their hearts and do not expect people to live a lie or hide a part of themselves just to make yourself more comfortable. 

Making love with a transgender person

It was recently brought up in a conversation with a friend that there really isn't much information out there for partners dealing with certain aspects of transition. I have been coaching some trans guys and their partners on just this subject. One question I have been asked several times by partners, girlfriends or boyfriends of transgendered people is "How do I make love to my transgendered lover in a way that makes them comfortable and a way that makes them feel loved?".  First of all, if you are having sex with (or thinking of having sex with a transgendered person) one very important thing like the use of the correct pronoun will make that person feel more comfortable. How you refer to the person's body parts is the same way.  Most transgendered guys do not have bottom surgery because it is not that good and you could loose feeling.  Therefor we are guys who technically still have a vagina but I,certainly, and most of us don't want you to call it that and after being on testosterone for a while believe me it is not the same.  Each individual is different in how they want you to address their genitals. So as with pronouns; when in any doubt- ask.  This is one way to make your transgendered lover feel more comfortable and that you understand them.  Some transgendered people are very uncomfortable with their bodies the way they are now, helping them feel that you see them the way they see themselves, and want the world to see them, will open them up to you and help them feel understood.
Sex does change on hormone therapy, even for partners that have been together a long time.  For transmen your clitoris become much larger and much more sensitive.  It also gets very hard and reacts very similar to a penis.  The sex drive for transmen increases and for transwomen usually decreases.  These are general things that can help, but when making love to anyone communication is the most important part of being a good lover!  Don't be afraid. Even if it makes your trangendered lover a little uncomfortable at first- TALK about it.  Everyone wants a lover that cares enough to find out want they want and like and what drives them wild.  Everyone wants a lover that is sensitive to how they receive love.
So-- HOW do you bring this topic up in conversation? If a potential lover approached me I would want them to say something like "I want to make love to you in a way that makes you comfortable. How can I do that for you?" It is important to me that my partner tell me that they love my body and want to learn my language. Everyone has "trigger" words they don't like. For example; some women (straight, gay, or trans) don't like the word "cunt". Other women are totally fine with it. It is all a matter of learning your lover. Some people try to have sex the same way with every partner. As if they run on auto-pilot. This is ridiculous, and won't help anyone enjoy themselves. Taking time, and making an effort are the keys to creating the right environment to have amazing sex. Even though these intial conversations are uncomfortable to have at times; when a lover cares enough to ask these questions- at least for me- it means a great deal.  Whoever you are making love to- make the effort to learn them. Ask the questions. Study your lover. Now get out there and make some GOOD lovin'!