The Fear of the "Other"

I recently had an interesting experience. One of my girlfriends mother's friend saw her and I post a few things on Facebook and then she looked at my profile and found out I am Transgendered. I have never met this woman and she rarely sees my girlfriend and yet she called my girlfriend's mother and told her she could not be friends on Facebook with her anymore because her daughter was dating a transgendered person and she didn't want her grandchildren to be exposed to such things. Wow, of course I felt bad for my girlfriend's mother, this was a long time friend.   Her mom and dad's response was "well he is good man and my daughter is happy so if you feel that way then 'fuck you'". They were very supportive, yet it made me think a lot about where does this kind of discrimination come from? What makes people be that judgmental toward a person they have never even met. The only conclusion I could come to is the fear of the other. The fear of things we don't understand and that are different then us. That fear is so great in many people that they are willing to give up a long friendship. Some people even believe this is what "God" would want them to do. 

The fear of the other, or something different then us,  causes separation and hurt in our world.  It amazes me how afraid people can be of something that they don't understand.  Things that are different then us are not a threat;  they can color our world and make it much more interesting if we can only get over the fear.  Those of us that live out on the fringe or the edge, while being true to our inner selves, run the risk of causing said fear because we don't fit into the "Norm".   This fear sometimes manifests itself in discrimination.  Discrimination comes in many forms; the blatant in your face discrimination,  the more subtle discrimination, and the discrimination that is an undercurrent in our environment, our society and region, tribe and so on.  The undercurrent runs deep in our world. 

Here are some examples of those undercurrent messages our society and those who have power exhibit and which we all have to live with or overcome;

• Heterosexual relationships are what's expected and natural
• White skinned people are smarter and safer and better
• There are two distinct gender roles and you better fit into one
• Women are second-class to men
• If you don't have or want to have children something is wrong with you
• People who are overweight are lazy
• If a woman is assertive she is a bitch
• People of color are lazy and feel entitled
• Women are fragile, men are tough
• If women are sexual they are sluts; if men are sexual they are studs
• All gay men have sex all the time with many different people
• If you are not Christian you are not a real American
• Girls cannot be physically strong (girl push ups & so on)
• Lighter skinned people of color are better then the darker skinned ones
• If you are a smart woman you are not desirable
• Immigrants are ruining America, stealing our jobs and they should all come here speaking English
• Academics and having a mainstream job, or buying into capitalism is more important then following ones heart
• Men who cry or show emotion are either weak or gay

These messages affect us all even if we are not consciously aware of it.  When we realize that these messages are fed to us by society as a form of control through shame we can then choose to keep them or let go of them.  We can ask ourselves, do they serve us?  If so, how? If not, what affect has this message had on my life?  Do I want to be apart of passing this message on?  These messages are so ingrained in our society that people make judgements about people they don't even know and never give people a chance to prove otherwise.  Every person is a beautiful soul with strengths and weaknesses and what their strengths and weaknesses are varies with each person"s perspective.  Regardless, we all have both strengths and weaknesses, this is why I think the great teacher Jesus said "you who is without fault cast the first stone."  Therefore, even if you really believe who someone is or what they are doing in their life is morally wrong, as fellow humans our job is only to love them and be kind -- not to judge.  " All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is that they should be a part of our daily lives." Dalai Lama  

 I always say there are only five things in life that I know for sure and those are;

•  Life, the universe and we as people are all in a constant state of flux and change
• Anyone who says they have it all figured out - makes my bullshit meter go off
• There is always more then one path
• It is never my place to judge another's path
• Loving each other, forgiving and being kind are the most important things we can do

I have learned that the old statement "the older you get the more you realize you don't know" is so true.   Most things I thought I knew when I was younger I laugh at now. 


I believe it is our responsibility as adults to examine what we have been fed by our families, our churches or synagogues, society, school, and friends and decide for ourselves if these are the best messages to serve us now.  Are those messages what we want to aid us in living the way we choose, not the way someone else thinks we should, or said we should.  Our path is our own and the path of our parents, families, church, or society may not be suited for our own journey.  I am certainly not saying that we cannot learn good things from all of those people and places, my point is that I don't find it's best to just blindly follow. I examine what message I as an individual want to put out to others?  How do I want to treat others and be treated?  When I feel a judgement come forward I ask myself, where does this come from and does it serve me or my life?

"Be Kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama

It is our responsiblity to create a more loving, accepting world.  One way we can start doing that is simply to be kind to people even when we don't understand them or they are different from us.  What an amazing change there would be in the world if everyone just did this one thing.  My wish is that one day having an open mind and open heart will be a societal norm.


I am curious what your thoughts are on these two questions;

Do I think the world needs more judgement or less?  Is there any love represented in judgement?


 Buddha said "Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill."

Changing the Transgendered Employment Dilemma

Most of society has no clue what a transgendered person may go through on a job search.  As if getting a job is not difficult enough in this day and age there are many more strikes against a transgendered person in any job market.  Recent studies (the first such studies by the way) done on our transgendered population show that being transgendered makes it much more likely that they will be harassed on the job, receive less pay and have more difficulty in getting a job in the first place.  The transgendered population has double the rate of unemployment and two to four times the rate of poverty which is the highest of any minority.  For trans folks who have jobs 97% say they experienced harassment on the job and 47% experienced significant losses in promotions, jobs or pay raises.  As in any many cases with minorities these are only what is reported.  Many trans folk will not report harassment or issues with their employment for a variety of reasons.  They may not want to draw attention to themselves or the issue to avoid more discrimination if they rock the boat, or they may not want to take the chance of being outed to their co-workers if they are not already out.

Here is just a small taste of what I am going through during my current search for a better job and what most transgendered people deal with.  The biggest issue is that for most of us our identification, documents, college transcripts, etc do not all reflect our current name or gender marker.  What happens when you give this to your potential employer?  It means that you have to out yourself immediately. This makes it very easy if someone has an issue with you being transgendered to just not give you the job and use any reason they like no matter how qualified you are.

Then there is the issue of old work references.  This is a great one.  Can you imagine having to call and tell old employers who know nothing about your transition and are not a part of your life, about your transition and just hope they will be ok with it to give you a reference without bias? Then explain to your potential employer that if you call this reference you will have to use my old name, oh and they will refer to me as she.  This can put everyone in a very uncomfortable spot.

I am from the south, went to a Southern Baptist Christian high school and college.   How well do you think this will all go over with them?  All of my prior work history is in the Bible Belt.  You get the point.  If they even bothered to call back or give any reference at all, do you think they could overcome their cultural and religious biases, even if you did a great job when you were there?  I have to admit even as confident and out as I am, the thought of someone calling about my education or old job references is at times discouraging and nerve racking.  And many people are not as open or as confident as I am.  It saddens me to think about the struggles my trans peers go through just to find employment. The state I am from, Florida, is one of the many states that can legally refuse to change gender on a birth certificate even with a medical doctor and psychiatrist letter saying you have met all requirements and are should now be considered male or female.  Many of our own brothers and sisters in the LGBQ community are clueless about the issues that a transgendered person faces.  While there is plenty of discrimination against the LGBQ community, it pales in comparison to the added discrimination doled out to the trans community concerning documentation and work history. 

I have not even yet covered the topic of the large amount of young people who have been kicked out of home for being transgendered and are on the streets, many of whom never got to finish high school and are living day to day survival because their families have abandoned them for being who they are, leaving them hopeless, vulnerable and living in poverty with no home or work.  Seattle and San Francisco are the two places most of these young people that are LGBTQ run away to when they are kicked out or cannot take the harassment any longer.  I am proud to live in Seattle, a place that gives them hope to come to.  We as citizens have a big responsibility to step up and do what we can to help these young transgendered citizens.  It is good for us all when they have hope, get an education and can hold down a job.

There are still 35 states that it is still perfectly legal to fire or not hire someone strictly because they are transgendered.  Why, if we are the United States are we not united as one when it comes to ALL civil rights?  Why do we let individual states decide things that are the core of who we are supposed to be as a country?  How it is ok for one state to say you cannot discriminate in this way and others states to freely discriminate?  In 1967, the Supreme Court finally decided that if was unconstitutional for states to ban interracial marriage and legalized interracial marriage as a right for all.  Some individual states had legalized interracial marriage for years, however most likely the other states would have never legalized it if the Supreme Court had not stepped in and said enough.

It is time that we the people stand up and say to the President, Congress and the Supreme Court “enough!”  Let’s insist that we stop allowing individual states to openly discriminate against any minority.  It is bad for all of us as a country when any group is held down from success.  We are talking jobs here, people.  We are talking about people having the ability to pay bills and not live on the streets or need government assistance.  This affects us all.  We are connected, whether you agree with someone or not, like them or not. Their ability to take care of themselves and be successful in this country or your country wherever you are, affects you and us as a whole. 

More cities need to follow the lead of those few who are leading the way towards equal rights for all.  The City of Seattle is working toward a Transgendered Employment Empowerment Program.  To help the many young people get their GED’S and college educations, housing, food and mentoring.  This program will also help those who transition later in life, like me, with getting all of ones documents changed correctly, learning how to transition in your job or search for a new job during or right after transition.  This is an exciting program that will help our city grow and have more citizens that can contribute to the greatness and strength of Seattle. 

Join me and my transgendered allies as we change the world.  If you are in Seattle get involved with our new program.  If you’re reading this from outside of the Pacific Northwest, take the time to look at what the laws are for your state and city.  If they need changing, start the process.  It just takes a few dedicated individuals to change the world.  So step up and change it.