Healthy Boundary Setting Skills - part 1 of a series on Safety and Self - Defense

http://www.sgn.org/sgnnews41_37/page8.cfm

This is a published article - follow the link to read

Body Diversity & the "magic letter"

Body Diversity & the "magic letter" - the importance of being true to self my latest article in Seattle Gay News - follow the link to the story

http://www.sgn.org/sgnnews41_18/page17.cfm

Self -Defense: A Necessity Not a Luxury

Here is my recent article published in Seattle Gay News about self - defense - informative tips in this article as well as some of my personal story

http://sgn.org/sgnnews41_08/page6.cfm

Trans Ninja

Follow this link to the article "Trans Ninja"  that I wrote for Seattle Gay News


http://sgn.org/sgnnews41_02/page8.cfm

The Struggle for Equality

Warning: this blog talks about both taboo subjects of religion and politics.

Why should anyone have to fight for the right to be true to who they are?   As we face a big election that includes alienating people for being who they are, LGBTQI, women, people of color, immigrants or the poor are all being discriminated against openly.  The argument that I hear the most, from those who want to take our rights away, is religious based.  This floors me.   I have a degree in theology and have studied the Bible and Jesus’s life in great depth.   Making people feel “less than” is not what Jesus was about, not what his teachings are about and not what most forms of theology are about.   Anyone who twists the Bible or other religious texts to discriminate against people and alienate people is totally missing the point.  Jesus was the guy for the other guy.  The guy who stopped people from stoning the prostitute to death.  The guy who would rather hang out with the kind of people most churches discriminate against today then the religious leaders of his day.   To quote one of my favorite religious authors Dr Peter J. Gomes from “The Good Book”, “In reading and interpreting the Bible, the great temptation is to use it as the moral sanction for our own culture.”  The Bible has been used to discriminate against groups of people since its inception.  People used the Bible to justify slavery as what God intended.  Many believed slavery and segregation were supported by scripture.  “When the missionaries came, they had the Bible and we had the land, now we have the Bible and they have the land.” An early twentieth-century African proverb says.   I have always found it interesting that a theology that teaches that our body is just a shell that houses our spirit that will live on makes so many judgments about people according to our shell.   Does one’s spirit have a vagina or penis?  Does one’s spirit have skin color?  The hypocrisy to say that God created us all in his image and then out of the other side of their  mouth say, but if your skin is dark, if you have a vagina, or if you love someone I don’t approve of then you don’t have the right to serve that same God as I, is appalling.

Folks, the summary of Jesus’s message are LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, GRACE, KINDNESS and I don’t see how discrimination fits into any of that.  I went to a Southern Baptist high school and college and then worked in the ministry for a while as a youth and children’s pastor.  I was raised in Christianity of the south.  I have a heart to help people and where I grew up was the avenue most available to do the kind of work I wanted to do.  I knew there was a strong calling on my life to help others.  When I was a youth pastor at a large church in Florida our church had a food bank where I volunteered.   One day two men came in who had lost their jobs and were living in their car.  These men politely asked for food.   The head pastor thought they were gay and informed them they could not have food unless they agreed to change their lifestyle.  This was a huge turning point for me with organized religion.  I struggled with this and still do. Even if a person says they believe the Bible literally, Jesus said “Feed my sheep.”  He did not say feed them if you like them, or if they do everything right, or if they live according to the way you interpret the Bible, he simply FEED THEM.   What still to this day boggles my mind is that the pastor thought he had every right, according to God’s word, to say what he said to those hungry men.  I walked out and never went back to that church. 

No one should have to fight to be who they are, not because of the color of their skin, their gender, their sexuality or sexual orientation.   All people deserve the freedom to be who they are and NOT be ashamed of it or feel like they have to hide it to be safe or to be able to live a productive life.   We are far more alike than different and science has now proven this.  Our DNA and genetics are so similar that the differences between a white person, a person of color and Asian person, a gay, a straight and so are so minuet that it is only 1 out of every 1,000 in our nuclear DNA sequence that are slightly varied.  

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

This means for ALL.  But it has not always meant for all, and it still does not today because all humans do not have the same rights and opportunities.  How long can we stand for this?   Yes, we have come a long way from slavery, segregation, women having access to more opportunities, gays in the military; we have a great deal to celebrate.  We are also not there.   Women still do not make the same for doing the same job as a man on average.  People of color still do not make the same as a white person on average. Immigrants are constantly told they don’t belong and yet we are all immigrants.  Native Americans are still fighting for their land and respect.   Transgender unemployment is at 39% due to gender variant discrimination.  Same sex couples still do not have the same rights as heterosexual couples to protect their families. We cannot be complacent in our quest for EQUALITY for ALL. 

Things we can all do to make a help make positive change toward equality:

·       Vote for candidates that believe in equality

·       Help campaign for those candidates

·       Talk to those in your life about the importance of Equality for ALL

·       Speak up when someone says something discriminatory

·       Support organizations that are doing work for Equal Rights

·       Be kind to ALL

Finally, what can you do today? We are standing at the edge of making history for marriage equality another big step toward equality. If you live in one of the four states (Maryland, Maine, Minnesota and Washington) that are voting this month for marriage equality, then please vote for marriage equality. If you have friends and loved ones in those states, encourage them to vote for marriage equality. Taking this step, will make it easier for us, as a country to take the next steps.

The Re-Claiming of the Word Queer

Define Queer:  Queer is an umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities ^[1] that are not heterosexual, heteronormative, or gender-binary. In the context of Western identity politics the term also acts as a label setting queer-identifying people apart from discourse, ideologies, and lifestyles that typify mainstream LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transsexual) communities as being oppressive or assimilationist.  Since its emergence in the English language in the 16th century (related to the German quer, meaning "across, at right angle, diagonally or transverse"), queer has generally meant "strange", "unusual", or "out of alignment".

 

Working as an out activist in our world today is very different, terminology is constantly changing and it is important that we all do our best to keep up on this state of growth.  It is irrelevant whether we agree with it or not,  the fact is that if we want to be able to reach and communicate with various generations we have to be open to change while being respectful where others come from.  This movement to take back the word Queer is like women taking back the word Slut.  The word Queer for many was used in the past in a very derogatory fashion as a slam and to oppress.  Why should we keep giving people that much power over us as a community?   I like the idea of taking the word back and defining it and making it our own.  It gives us the power.  As Harvey Fierstein   said, “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.”  Now the word Queer is very trendy, especially with younger generations and I personally like the reasons that it is so popular.   People are tired of being boxed into binary sexuality, sexual orientation and gender roles.  Queer openly states that one does not buy into this binary system.  Both sexual orientation and gender spectrums are on a vast scale.  

Let’s talk about sexual orientation first.  The word queer in the context of sexual orientation covers, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, pomosexual, asexual, autosexual, heteroflexable and heterosexual people who’s sexual activity is considered out of the “norm”, like polyamory, BDSM and S&M.  Now that the book “50 Shades of Gray” is such a hit, there may be many more people joining in the group of those of us who identify outside of  what society considers the “norm.”  Those of us who would not be considered “vanilla” or even “beige” in most groups just because we are considered different from “mainstream.”  

Now to tackle the Queer part about gender identity, gender expression and gender roles.  This goes even deeper in our society then sexual orientation.  We are so brainwashed from the minute we come out of the womb that there are only two sides to who we are.   And we have to choose between the “Pink” team and the “Blue” team.  The term Queer says I do not buy this binary gender theology our society tries to force feed us.  It says there is a scale to gender and I will not pick a side.  It also challenges the gender roles that are ingrained in our culture in a way that is scary to many. 

Basically the word Queer tears down boundaries.  Boundaries that make some people feel safe and comfortable.  Boundaries that identify everyone, puts them (and many hope keeps them) in their neat little boxes. Reclaiming the word Queer is a political statement and it is liberating.  It is also more inclusive of our entire community.  So I challenge those over 40 to try and let go of the old stigma that the word Queer brings up and take the power back.  For the younger “Queers”, I challenge you help tear down these boundaries and I request that you be compassionate and patient with your predecessors as this may take some time to get used to.  Anytime we can re-claim something that anyone used against us or to hurt us with we regain our power and confidence.  The world is changing in a positive way for civil rights.  Let’s be open to ways we can step forward with an openness to learn from one another and educate in a compassionate way.

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

The Fear of the "Other"

I recently had an interesting experience. One of my girlfriends mother's friend saw her and I post a few things on Facebook and then she looked at my profile and found out I am Transgendered. I have never met this woman and she rarely sees my girlfriend and yet she called my girlfriend's mother and told her she could not be friends on Facebook with her anymore because her daughter was dating a transgendered person and she didn't want her grandchildren to be exposed to such things. Wow, of course I felt bad for my girlfriend's mother, this was a long time friend.   Her mom and dad's response was "well he is good man and my daughter is happy so if you feel that way then 'fuck you'". They were very supportive, yet it made me think a lot about where does this kind of discrimination come from? What makes people be that judgmental toward a person they have never even met. The only conclusion I could come to is the fear of the other. The fear of things we don't understand and that are different then us. That fear is so great in many people that they are willing to give up a long friendship. Some people even believe this is what "God" would want them to do. 

The fear of the other, or something different then us,  causes separation and hurt in our world.  It amazes me how afraid people can be of something that they don't understand.  Things that are different then us are not a threat;  they can color our world and make it much more interesting if we can only get over the fear.  Those of us that live out on the fringe or the edge, while being true to our inner selves, run the risk of causing said fear because we don't fit into the "Norm".   This fear sometimes manifests itself in discrimination.  Discrimination comes in many forms; the blatant in your face discrimination,  the more subtle discrimination, and the discrimination that is an undercurrent in our environment, our society and region, tribe and so on.  The undercurrent runs deep in our world. 

Here are some examples of those undercurrent messages our society and those who have power exhibit and which we all have to live with or overcome;

• Heterosexual relationships are what's expected and natural
• White skinned people are smarter and safer and better
• There are two distinct gender roles and you better fit into one
• Women are second-class to men
• If you don't have or want to have children something is wrong with you
• People who are overweight are lazy
• If a woman is assertive she is a bitch
• People of color are lazy and feel entitled
• Women are fragile, men are tough
• If women are sexual they are sluts; if men are sexual they are studs
• All gay men have sex all the time with many different people
• If you are not Christian you are not a real American
• Girls cannot be physically strong (girl push ups & so on)
• Lighter skinned people of color are better then the darker skinned ones
• If you are a smart woman you are not desirable
• Immigrants are ruining America, stealing our jobs and they should all come here speaking English
• Academics and having a mainstream job, or buying into capitalism is more important then following ones heart
• Men who cry or show emotion are either weak or gay

These messages affect us all even if we are not consciously aware of it.  When we realize that these messages are fed to us by society as a form of control through shame we can then choose to keep them or let go of them.  We can ask ourselves, do they serve us?  If so, how? If not, what affect has this message had on my life?  Do I want to be apart of passing this message on?  These messages are so ingrained in our society that people make judgements about people they don't even know and never give people a chance to prove otherwise.  Every person is a beautiful soul with strengths and weaknesses and what their strengths and weaknesses are varies with each person"s perspective.  Regardless, we all have both strengths and weaknesses, this is why I think the great teacher Jesus said "you who is without fault cast the first stone."  Therefore, even if you really believe who someone is or what they are doing in their life is morally wrong, as fellow humans our job is only to love them and be kind -- not to judge.  " All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is that they should be a part of our daily lives." Dalai Lama  

 I always say there are only five things in life that I know for sure and those are;

•  Life, the universe and we as people are all in a constant state of flux and change
• Anyone who says they have it all figured out - makes my bullshit meter go off
• There is always more then one path
• It is never my place to judge another's path
• Loving each other, forgiving and being kind are the most important things we can do

I have learned that the old statement "the older you get the more you realize you don't know" is so true.   Most things I thought I knew when I was younger I laugh at now. 


I believe it is our responsibility as adults to examine what we have been fed by our families, our churches or synagogues, society, school, and friends and decide for ourselves if these are the best messages to serve us now.  Are those messages what we want to aid us in living the way we choose, not the way someone else thinks we should, or said we should.  Our path is our own and the path of our parents, families, church, or society may not be suited for our own journey.  I am certainly not saying that we cannot learn good things from all of those people and places, my point is that I don't find it's best to just blindly follow. I examine what message I as an individual want to put out to others?  How do I want to treat others and be treated?  When I feel a judgement come forward I ask myself, where does this come from and does it serve me or my life?

"Be Kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama

It is our responsiblity to create a more loving, accepting world.  One way we can start doing that is simply to be kind to people even when we don't understand them or they are different from us.  What an amazing change there would be in the world if everyone just did this one thing.  My wish is that one day having an open mind and open heart will be a societal norm.


I am curious what your thoughts are on these two questions;

Do I think the world needs more judgement or less?  Is there any love represented in judgement?


 Buddha said "Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill."