Transforming Regret

I was going through some boxes the other day trying to find something and came across many old pictures of me with the big Farrah Faucet hair. I look at those now like all of that was so far away and yet it really wasn't. I was playing a part to make others more comfortable for much of my life. These photographs have become harder for me to look at the further into being authentic I am. I learned a great deal from the experience of experiencing life from both sides of the binary gender world and I would not trade those lessons for anything. Because of that unique training I see things that most men don't see or understand about a woman's experience walking in this world.  I also understand things about men and the way men are treated that most women don't.


Part of the pain in looking back is thinking about why I allowed the worry of loss to keep me from being true to myself.  Not knowing for sure what would happen, but I knew that there would be some loss.  Family, friends, career which of these would have walked this break in the gender norm with me?  I allowed that fear to keep me from transitioning much earlier in life and there are times I look at that with some regret. I do work to turn that regret into good energy. I use that energy to help me as an activist working to create a safer more friendly place for others to feel supported in being who they truly are. When I was growing up in the south there was no support for a kid or young person who was LGBTQ. I am thankful to have the opportunity to be apart of creating change in this area. 


The next reason it is difficult to look at those pictures is that I see the inner pain, the loneliness, the celebrated young person who felt so misunderstood. This is the reason that suicide is so prevalent with LGBTQ youth and young adults. I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I did not see a way out of this charade I was playing. There was no internet to find community, no support group and I grew up hearing everything about what I was feeling was SIN. All of that combined becomes paralyzing. I am not sure how I was able to accomplish all that I did through that, all that I know is that I saw it as some kind of a way out.


I get asked all the time by caring people who want to help "what can I do to make a difference?" I believe that the most important thing that any of us can do is to give people a safe space to be their authentic self, whatever that is for them. To give people a safe place to explore that without judgments. Tell young people that being fully YOU is more important then fitting into the status quo.  To follow their hearts and that they are supported in that. If all we did was this, for just one young person, we could make an monumental difference. 

Way to Sticky - Labels

The way we communicate in society calls for us to label everything. When working with a child to learn language we help them label everything they touch, see and feel to learn how to communicate.  We spend a good part of our early years being taught to label everything in our world to identify it and even to put those things in categories according to those labels. Apple, this is a fruit and goes in the fruit group, category and so on. We also do this with people during our formative foundation learning process. This is mommy, daddy, grandma, teacher, and so on.  When our education system in mostly based on labeling and categorizing it makes it difficult to open our minds beyond this form of thinking and cataloging that we are so well trained in. When I teach about diversity I let people know that I have so much compassion for people struggling with all of this because we have all been brainwashed, conditioned by our education systems, families, churches and on and on. This is apart of that conditioning. We teach labeling and categorizing and then tell people 'don't put me in a box," and not to label people. That can makes people brain do flips. Labeling for the purpose of communicating is sometimes needed so what makes it turn negative.

Labeling gone bad happens when we attach things to those labels and then make judgements about who a person is or what they can and cannot do according to those attachments. This is the start of when and how we limit people according to labels.  Like "girls are not supposed to play football."
I had not idea you played football with your penis, but I have heard statements like this limiting someone due to things like genitalia my entire life. Another common one is something like, "wow, its amazing how well you dance and move for such a big guy."  Those are total judgement based statements about what a person has attached to a category and label they have given you. This is something we have to commonly examine within ourselves. WE ALL DO IT.  We were trained to do it. Forgive yourself, be aware of it and start paying attention when you do it and then examine how you are labeling and categorizing. Are you doing it in a way that puts limits on the person, thing, event or can you give those labels and still be consciously open to many possibilities.

 As a transman which is a label, that I many times detest but use as an activist and educator to help talk about gender. I usually don't like to meet someone when someone else has told them that I am trans. The reason is they already have these preconceived notions in their minds of what that means and I have found it is usually not positive. I would rather them meet me as a person then find out if need be and then I always love the shocking, "WOW, I had no idea."  "You are a nice guy."  I love when they act shocked that a trans person can be a nice person, or a regular seeming guy.  I find that label very limiting in others perceptions, in what people have attached to it.

Conscious living is what I hope for in the world. I hope that through educating that people open their minds to examine what they attach to all labels.This work of living consciously is a lifetime journey and I believe the only way to live. Remember the way we were trained it takes work to retrain and remap our brains. Be patient with yourself as you do this work and even listen to the labels you use on yourself in your head when you are beating yourself up.  Examine those as well. When I facilitate diversity training's I do several exercises around labeling to cultivate deep examination of how we attach things to these labels we use. Here is one for you.  Write down every label you use to describe yourself and you have heard others use to describe you. Then write what each of those labels means to you. What thoughts come up around those labels and what feelings rise up within around those thoughts. How do they limit you and the full expression of who you are?  Try this exercise and let me know what it reveals to you.

PS:  When you are ready to shed a label - this stuff called "Goo be Gone" is great to get the sticky off.

Beyond 50 Shades Of Gray - Spanking, Safe Words, and Boundaries

Recovering From the Lie

I was on an LGBTQ panel a couple weeks ago and a friend who is a transgender woman said something that really stuck out to me. She said that when you are over forty and trans, basically society taught us to lie. We had to lie to be safe, we had to cover up who we were to survive. When a person spends their first forty years having to lie and hide who they really are, how does that effect every part of that persons life.


Wow, it is true that many people have had to cover up parts of who they are to be safe. What kind of lasting effect does that have on people?  What effects does that have on our relationships?  As I contemplate these questions, something inside me knows that this has had a deep effect on many aspects of my life and the lives of all who have lived that experience. The idea of don't ask, don't tell is even asking people to lie, to cover up. When we work and live in a world where others can have pictures of who they love in the work place and gay people could not, or have to play a game or a part that is not true to who we are each day by how we present in order to be safe and have or keep a job. Many people have had to hide who they are to be accepted. When anyone has to do this for years how can living a life of lies like this not change a person? Having to live like that is existing under a constant state of hyper-pressure. Living in fear of being found out and what the consequences of that would be. These are real fears as many have lost jobs, been kicked out of families, churches, circle of friends or worse.


I think of relationships that I had with good people who would say things to me like " you don't talk to me enough about the real stuff." How can you when as a trans person, different from many of my gay friends, I did not think I could even share with partners what I was dealing with inside. How do you share or expect a partner or even close friends in the south in the 80's to understand this? There was no support group where I was and the internet was not there yet to find community.  We were very isolated at that time and before.  This experience has stayed with me in many ways, like with trusting people or always wondering if people really understand you or accept you fully. Those parts of me that were trained for so many years to carefully navigate the world take a time to work through if one ever totally does, it is certainly a form of PTSD. 


 Then when I finally got out of the south and felt I was in a safe enough space to share there were close friends from the south who said things to me like, "why didn't you feel like you could tell me."  It is hard not to laugh when people say such things. No matter how nice you were to me, you were nice as I presented, fitting into certain boxes that you were comfortable with. If I no longer fit into those boxes how was I to have any idea you would still accept me. How was I, or anyone like me, to know who to trust? Then coming out about being transgender and being very public about it, I have seen that people respond in many different ways. Some have come through and been able to talk with me and accept it and some have not, which is alright. I have to give others the same room to walk whatever their journey is, as I have asked for the safe space to walk mine. 


It is a good thing that many young people today don't understand this because we have been riding the wave of positive change in many ways. Much of the world is much more accepting than when I was a young person and I am glad for that. It is still important to understand that many of us did not grow up with that freedom and it has had lasting effects on us and our community. No one should have to live a life of lies to be safe or be able to have a job, love who they want to and progress in the world. If each of us let the people in our lives know that we want all to have the safe space and freedom to live authentically we can change this.

Dance of the Souls - Creating the love you want

My soul is dancing - I have had this crazy idea my entire life that I could have a love that is committed, stable, supportive, a SAFE space to come home to and to grow in together, set and work on goals together, real open communication, be able to be true to self, and have respect and yet have adventure, abandon, spontaneity, wild passion, freedom, playfulness, and the freedom of exploration.  Most people seem to feel you get one or the other of the sides of this coin in relationships and it is certainly RARE to find a model of this that is successful in the world.

Those of us who are on the fringe of society because we are different, face even more challenges then the average person to find fulfilling healthy relationships.  In fact, when I officially announced that I was going to medically transition I had a dear friend who is very open minded say to me, " Now that is going to make it difficult for you to date."  As a person who had ridden a roller coaster in the dating world partly due to figuring out who I am inside and how to navigate that in this society safely and communicate it, this statement from my friend stopped me in my tracks and made me think.  My motivation to transition of course had nothing to do with dating or thinking about dating, it only had to do with being true to myself.  But my friends statement did make me wonder how would people view me?  Would they view me as even more of a freak?  Would there be anyone who understood and or got me?  I did not have the answers to any of these questions and went forward anyway because I was at a point where I could no longer live my life as if I was playing the part in a movie, or wearing a Halloween costume year around to make others feel more comfortable.  I could no longer live a lie.  I am happy to say that since transition the opposite has been true, I have had even more people want to date me, which surprised me.  I asked my partner why she thought this was so, and her response was " that when a person is authentic and true to themselves, that is attractive and rare." 

I have struggled with traditional models of things from an early age from gender roles to relationship models.  I always questioned what society feeds us as the way or the right way to be or have a relationship, although I did try to make parts of their way work for much of my life and failed miserably.  The models of monogamy and marriage we grow up with in society are usually accompanied with shame and guilt. If it is not done in the way the majority do it in our society even though that way has not been very successful for most we shame people as a society.  I have always said as a business person if marriage is my product and it is brought back to me because it did not work more then fifty percent of the time, I would be out of business!  Why do we keep using this model?  It makes me think of the Einstein quote "The true definition of insanity is, doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results,"  Yet I have to recognize that there are defiantly some things about the concept of marriage that are attractive to me.

• Having a strong home base
• Knowing you have a safe space
• Taking care of one another
• Knowing someone that well
• Creating a healthy sense of family
• Someone you can count on

 The parts that I want nothing to do with are

• Feeling boxed in - lack of freedom
• Jealousy
• Guilt if it does not work out - or if you are attracted to anyone else
• Expectations to fit a societal mold
• Gender role expectations within traditional relationships
• Weight of the concept that I had to be that persons everything and they had to be mine, FOREVER
• The things above created the feeling for me and does for many that I have talked with about this feeling that I could not be honest about my feelings and desires (coming from the south did not help with this, where few talk about anything REAL)

I have examined this and been able to look at the fact that there are some things I would like to take from that concept and create in a relationship.  Part of the freeing beauty I have discovered now is that I and my partner or partners have the liberating ability to CREATE how our relationship works best for us.  WOW! Why don't they tell you this as a young person.  I don't have to do it the way mom and dad or my grandparents did, or the way the majority does it.  I can breathe, create, experiment, and explore what works with my partner/partners.  There is no wrong or right way, there is the way that works for us.  I discovered that a polyamorous style of relationships works best for me and there are even different models of poly. Some people seem to think being poly means free sex with many, these are the same folks who think that all that gay men do is have sex.  If that were only true, laughing.  Poly to most in the poly community, is having more then one committed relationship with open communication with all involved.  This is not easy, this requires great communication skills and communication times two or three or whatever.  Then in the poly world there are primary and secondary relationships, triads and sometimes just now and then play partners. This maybe something that works for you or not, that is not the point.

The point of all of this is to examine how what we are doing is serving us.  I ask many people when it comes to tradition or rituals, "why do you do that."  Most reply, "because my family did it that way or my church, I don't know."  My next question is, "how is that serving you now?"  The same can be asked in the style of relationships we have or the way we negotiate or navigate our relationships.  Is using the model you are using serving you or could you create something more fitting for you and your partner or partners.  I have questioned myself this way about everything I thought I knew about relationships and sex to come to this place of discovery of what works for me.  My life's work now is to create safe space for all to be true to self and this is another area that many are not living true to themselves in for a variety of reasons and the reasons really don't matter.  What matters is finding a way to get to a place that we can be true to self. 

The beauty, fun and freedom to start from scratch and create what actually works for you is amazing and enlightening.  Most of us have never felt that we have the right to create our own, few people are told they can or it is ok to create your own.  I am here to tell you it is OK, you have the right.  Here are the guidelines that my partner and I have developed for our relationship that work for us.

• Always consider one another in all we do
• Be respectful of one another and of all involved
• Remember real authentic love fosters growth - (change is not threatening)
• Always give one another a safe space to be and grow and come back to
• Communicate/communicate/communicate with love and compassion

My desire as I said is for all to have the safe space to be true to self and to live in love and happiness.  I believe I had to walk the road of learning to be true to myself personally before I could have a healthy relationship with anyone else.  Then and only then have I been able to examine what is being true to myself in a relationship and am now able to come from a place of authenticity that changes everything.   I am so sorry for past relationships that I failed in because I was not at a place of authenticity within, because no matter how hard I tried to make those relationships work or my partners did there is no way to have open communication with someone else when one is not authentic with themselves or is living a lie.  If you and I are authentic and real with ourselves then we navigate the entire world including relationships in an entirely different way.  It is liberating and allows us to walk through the world with an new openness and willingness to be vulnerable.  Being authentic with oneself is constant work, but choosing that path is ultimately releasing.

Now go Create what serves you! Find a way to "BE TRUE TO SELF"

Healthy Boundary Setting Skills - part 1 of a series on Safety and Self - Defense

http://www.sgn.org/sgnnews41_37/page8.cfm

This is a published article - follow the link to read

Body Diversity & the "magic letter"

Body Diversity & the "magic letter" - the importance of being true to self my latest article in Seattle Gay News - follow the link to the story

http://www.sgn.org/sgnnews41_18/page17.cfm

Self -Defense: A Necessity Not a Luxury

Here is my recent article published in Seattle Gay News about self - defense - informative tips in this article as well as some of my personal story

http://sgn.org/sgnnews41_08/page6.cfm

Trans Ninja

Follow this link to the article "Trans Ninja"  that I wrote for Seattle Gay News


http://sgn.org/sgnnews41_02/page8.cfm

The Struggle for Equality

Warning: this blog talks about both taboo subjects of religion and politics.

Why should anyone have to fight for the right to be true to who they are?   As we face a big election that includes alienating people for being who they are, LGBTQI, women, people of color, immigrants or the poor are all being discriminated against openly.  The argument that I hear the most, from those who want to take our rights away, is religious based.  This floors me.   I have a degree in theology and have studied the Bible and Jesus’s life in great depth.   Making people feel “less than” is not what Jesus was about, not what his teachings are about and not what most forms of theology are about.   Anyone who twists the Bible or other religious texts to discriminate against people and alienate people is totally missing the point.  Jesus was the guy for the other guy.  The guy who stopped people from stoning the prostitute to death.  The guy who would rather hang out with the kind of people most churches discriminate against today then the religious leaders of his day.   To quote one of my favorite religious authors Dr Peter J. Gomes from “The Good Book”, “In reading and interpreting the Bible, the great temptation is to use it as the moral sanction for our own culture.”  The Bible has been used to discriminate against groups of people since its inception.  People used the Bible to justify slavery as what God intended.  Many believed slavery and segregation were supported by scripture.  “When the missionaries came, they had the Bible and we had the land, now we have the Bible and they have the land.” An early twentieth-century African proverb says.   I have always found it interesting that a theology that teaches that our body is just a shell that houses our spirit that will live on makes so many judgments about people according to our shell.   Does one’s spirit have a vagina or penis?  Does one’s spirit have skin color?  The hypocrisy to say that God created us all in his image and then out of the other side of their  mouth say, but if your skin is dark, if you have a vagina, or if you love someone I don’t approve of then you don’t have the right to serve that same God as I, is appalling.

Folks, the summary of Jesus’s message are LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, GRACE, KINDNESS and I don’t see how discrimination fits into any of that.  I went to a Southern Baptist high school and college and then worked in the ministry for a while as a youth and children’s pastor.  I was raised in Christianity of the south.  I have a heart to help people and where I grew up was the avenue most available to do the kind of work I wanted to do.  I knew there was a strong calling on my life to help others.  When I was a youth pastor at a large church in Florida our church had a food bank where I volunteered.   One day two men came in who had lost their jobs and were living in their car.  These men politely asked for food.   The head pastor thought they were gay and informed them they could not have food unless they agreed to change their lifestyle.  This was a huge turning point for me with organized religion.  I struggled with this and still do. Even if a person says they believe the Bible literally, Jesus said “Feed my sheep.”  He did not say feed them if you like them, or if they do everything right, or if they live according to the way you interpret the Bible, he simply FEED THEM.   What still to this day boggles my mind is that the pastor thought he had every right, according to God’s word, to say what he said to those hungry men.  I walked out and never went back to that church. 

No one should have to fight to be who they are, not because of the color of their skin, their gender, their sexuality or sexual orientation.   All people deserve the freedom to be who they are and NOT be ashamed of it or feel like they have to hide it to be safe or to be able to live a productive life.   We are far more alike than different and science has now proven this.  Our DNA and genetics are so similar that the differences between a white person, a person of color and Asian person, a gay, a straight and so are so minuet that it is only 1 out of every 1,000 in our nuclear DNA sequence that are slightly varied.  

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

This means for ALL.  But it has not always meant for all, and it still does not today because all humans do not have the same rights and opportunities.  How long can we stand for this?   Yes, we have come a long way from slavery, segregation, women having access to more opportunities, gays in the military; we have a great deal to celebrate.  We are also not there.   Women still do not make the same for doing the same job as a man on average.  People of color still do not make the same as a white person on average. Immigrants are constantly told they don’t belong and yet we are all immigrants.  Native Americans are still fighting for their land and respect.   Transgender unemployment is at 39% due to gender variant discrimination.  Same sex couples still do not have the same rights as heterosexual couples to protect their families. We cannot be complacent in our quest for EQUALITY for ALL. 

Things we can all do to make a help make positive change toward equality:

·       Vote for candidates that believe in equality

·       Help campaign for those candidates

·       Talk to those in your life about the importance of Equality for ALL

·       Speak up when someone says something discriminatory

·       Support organizations that are doing work for Equal Rights

·       Be kind to ALL

Finally, what can you do today? We are standing at the edge of making history for marriage equality another big step toward equality. If you live in one of the four states (Maryland, Maine, Minnesota and Washington) that are voting this month for marriage equality, then please vote for marriage equality. If you have friends and loved ones in those states, encourage them to vote for marriage equality. Taking this step, will make it easier for us, as a country to take the next steps.

The Re-Claiming of the Word Queer

Define Queer:  Queer is an umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities ^[1] that are not heterosexual, heteronormative, or gender-binary. In the context of Western identity politics the term also acts as a label setting queer-identifying people apart from discourse, ideologies, and lifestyles that typify mainstream LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transsexual) communities as being oppressive or assimilationist.  Since its emergence in the English language in the 16th century (related to the German quer, meaning "across, at right angle, diagonally or transverse"), queer has generally meant "strange", "unusual", or "out of alignment".

 

Working as an out activist in our world today is very different, terminology is constantly changing and it is important that we all do our best to keep up on this state of growth.  It is irrelevant whether we agree with it or not,  the fact is that if we want to be able to reach and communicate with various generations we have to be open to change while being respectful where others come from.  This movement to take back the word Queer is like women taking back the word Slut.  The word Queer for many was used in the past in a very derogatory fashion as a slam and to oppress.  Why should we keep giving people that much power over us as a community?   I like the idea of taking the word back and defining it and making it our own.  It gives us the power.  As Harvey Fierstein   said, “Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.”  Now the word Queer is very trendy, especially with younger generations and I personally like the reasons that it is so popular.   People are tired of being boxed into binary sexuality, sexual orientation and gender roles.  Queer openly states that one does not buy into this binary system.  Both sexual orientation and gender spectrums are on a vast scale.  

Let’s talk about sexual orientation first.  The word queer in the context of sexual orientation covers, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, pomosexual, asexual, autosexual, heteroflexable and heterosexual people who’s sexual activity is considered out of the “norm”, like polyamory, BDSM and S&M.  Now that the book “50 Shades of Gray” is such a hit, there may be many more people joining in the group of those of us who identify outside of  what society considers the “norm.”  Those of us who would not be considered “vanilla” or even “beige” in most groups just because we are considered different from “mainstream.”  

Now to tackle the Queer part about gender identity, gender expression and gender roles.  This goes even deeper in our society then sexual orientation.  We are so brainwashed from the minute we come out of the womb that there are only two sides to who we are.   And we have to choose between the “Pink” team and the “Blue” team.  The term Queer says I do not buy this binary gender theology our society tries to force feed us.  It says there is a scale to gender and I will not pick a side.  It also challenges the gender roles that are ingrained in our culture in a way that is scary to many. 

Basically the word Queer tears down boundaries.  Boundaries that make some people feel safe and comfortable.  Boundaries that identify everyone, puts them (and many hope keeps them) in their neat little boxes. Reclaiming the word Queer is a political statement and it is liberating.  It is also more inclusive of our entire community.  So I challenge those over 40 to try and let go of the old stigma that the word Queer brings up and take the power back.  For the younger “Queers”, I challenge you help tear down these boundaries and I request that you be compassionate and patient with your predecessors as this may take some time to get used to.  Anytime we can re-claim something that anyone used against us or to hurt us with we regain our power and confidence.  The world is changing in a positive way for civil rights.  Let’s be open to ways we can step forward with an openness to learn from one another and educate in a compassionate way.

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin

The Fear of the "Other"

I recently had an interesting experience. One of my girlfriends mother's friend saw her and I post a few things on Facebook and then she looked at my profile and found out I am Transgendered. I have never met this woman and she rarely sees my girlfriend and yet she called my girlfriend's mother and told her she could not be friends on Facebook with her anymore because her daughter was dating a transgendered person and she didn't want her grandchildren to be exposed to such things. Wow, of course I felt bad for my girlfriend's mother, this was a long time friend.   Her mom and dad's response was "well he is good man and my daughter is happy so if you feel that way then 'fuck you'". They were very supportive, yet it made me think a lot about where does this kind of discrimination come from? What makes people be that judgmental toward a person they have never even met. The only conclusion I could come to is the fear of the other. The fear of things we don't understand and that are different then us. That fear is so great in many people that they are willing to give up a long friendship. Some people even believe this is what "God" would want them to do. 

The fear of the other, or something different then us,  causes separation and hurt in our world.  It amazes me how afraid people can be of something that they don't understand.  Things that are different then us are not a threat;  they can color our world and make it much more interesting if we can only get over the fear.  Those of us that live out on the fringe or the edge, while being true to our inner selves, run the risk of causing said fear because we don't fit into the "Norm".   This fear sometimes manifests itself in discrimination.  Discrimination comes in many forms; the blatant in your face discrimination,  the more subtle discrimination, and the discrimination that is an undercurrent in our environment, our society and region, tribe and so on.  The undercurrent runs deep in our world. 

Here are some examples of those undercurrent messages our society and those who have power exhibit and which we all have to live with or overcome;

• Heterosexual relationships are what's expected and natural
• White skinned people are smarter and safer and better
• There are two distinct gender roles and you better fit into one
• Women are second-class to men
• If you don't have or want to have children something is wrong with you
• People who are overweight are lazy
• If a woman is assertive she is a bitch
• People of color are lazy and feel entitled
• Women are fragile, men are tough
• If women are sexual they are sluts; if men are sexual they are studs
• All gay men have sex all the time with many different people
• If you are not Christian you are not a real American
• Girls cannot be physically strong (girl push ups & so on)
• Lighter skinned people of color are better then the darker skinned ones
• If you are a smart woman you are not desirable
• Immigrants are ruining America, stealing our jobs and they should all come here speaking English
• Academics and having a mainstream job, or buying into capitalism is more important then following ones heart
• Men who cry or show emotion are either weak or gay

These messages affect us all even if we are not consciously aware of it.  When we realize that these messages are fed to us by society as a form of control through shame we can then choose to keep them or let go of them.  We can ask ourselves, do they serve us?  If so, how? If not, what affect has this message had on my life?  Do I want to be apart of passing this message on?  These messages are so ingrained in our society that people make judgements about people they don't even know and never give people a chance to prove otherwise.  Every person is a beautiful soul with strengths and weaknesses and what their strengths and weaknesses are varies with each person"s perspective.  Regardless, we all have both strengths and weaknesses, this is why I think the great teacher Jesus said "you who is without fault cast the first stone."  Therefore, even if you really believe who someone is or what they are doing in their life is morally wrong, as fellow humans our job is only to love them and be kind -- not to judge.  " All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is that they should be a part of our daily lives." Dalai Lama  

 I always say there are only five things in life that I know for sure and those are;

•  Life, the universe and we as people are all in a constant state of flux and change
• Anyone who says they have it all figured out - makes my bullshit meter go off
• There is always more then one path
• It is never my place to judge another's path
• Loving each other, forgiving and being kind are the most important things we can do

I have learned that the old statement "the older you get the more you realize you don't know" is so true.   Most things I thought I knew when I was younger I laugh at now. 


I believe it is our responsibility as adults to examine what we have been fed by our families, our churches or synagogues, society, school, and friends and decide for ourselves if these are the best messages to serve us now.  Are those messages what we want to aid us in living the way we choose, not the way someone else thinks we should, or said we should.  Our path is our own and the path of our parents, families, church, or society may not be suited for our own journey.  I am certainly not saying that we cannot learn good things from all of those people and places, my point is that I don't find it's best to just blindly follow. I examine what message I as an individual want to put out to others?  How do I want to treat others and be treated?  When I feel a judgement come forward I ask myself, where does this come from and does it serve me or my life?

"Be Kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama

It is our responsiblity to create a more loving, accepting world.  One way we can start doing that is simply to be kind to people even when we don't understand them or they are different from us.  What an amazing change there would be in the world if everyone just did this one thing.  My wish is that one day having an open mind and open heart will be a societal norm.


I am curious what your thoughts are on these two questions;

Do I think the world needs more judgement or less?  Is there any love represented in judgement?


 Buddha said "Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill."

Lonely Champion

Lonely Champion 

“When did you start transition?”  The most commonly asked question and misunderstanding

When people find out I am trans they usually ask “when did you start transition?”  The answer to that question is much more complicated than people realize.  If society never told those of us who are transgendered that anything was wrong with who we are, I don’t believe anyone would need to go through surgeries, hormones or other treatments to change our bodies and appearance.  I was fine with my body and who I was until society started putting me in their categories.  Such as, I should not want to play with certain toys because I had a vagina and I should want to play with baby dolls because I had a vagina.  That I had to get in this group or that group because of my genitalia even if that is not the group I related to at all.  Transition, to me, starts when society shows us where we are supposed to neatly fit and some of us realize we just don’t fit there; when we feel that society is telling us there is something wrong with us and then we begin the struggle to figure out how and where we can fit.  I began my transition when I was four or five. While playing with other kids, I changed my name and told them I was Matt Dillon.  I dressed like the good sheriff and told them that was who I was.  This was not a phase, I constantly used boy’s names whenever I could as a kid in any play situation I could, and was always the guy who would rescue the girl.  I was desperately trying to tell others who I was in a way that a four or five year old can communicate.  Asking when you started transition is like asking someone “when did you decide that you were gay?”  People do not just decide these things one day;  we go through a process of figuring out how to be who we are in a society that in many ways does not allow room for our diversity.  Then we have to figure out how to communicate who we are.    

Transition does not begin when we start medical treatment.  Transition begins when we are struggling to find a way to fit in a society that does not make room for those of us who are not at one end or the other of the gender spectrum.  If we don’t fit on the ends of that scale it makes people uncomfortable, therefore they do all they can to pressure us to conform and fit into what is more comfortable for them. This causes many transgendered people to sink into depression and withdraw.  Tragically, 47%  of transgendered individuals have attempted suicide due to this pressure.  No other minority in the world has as high percentage of a depression and attempted suicide rate.   To hold ones head up and walk through this world when everywhere we turn people and society are telling us “you do not fit” is very challenging.  I believe this societal pressure also slows down the process we go through of totally discovering who we are.  Most young people go through life discovering themselves without constantly being told they are wrong and don’t fit.  Of course all young people go through times of not fitting in, but it isn’t the day to day experiences of not fitting in that transgendered people experience.   

Things are changing, but it is slow.  Even though science has proven that gender is a spectrum or a continuum, it takes a time for that knowledge to change the hearts and minds of people who have been brainwashed for so many years that there are only two types of gender and all of the proper behavior that comes with each of those.

 Here are just a few places where you can learn more about the gender spectrum: 

·        http://www.genderspectrum.org/

·        http://c-changeprogram.org/content/gender-scales-compendium/index.html

·        http://www.gender.org/

One of my partners said to me “it was probably easier for you because you were an athlete, a jock.”   In some ways yes, I had a place, I could be tough and it was sometimes celebrated.  It was also the most constant reminder that people put me in a box that I did not feel was mine nor where I fit.  In competition they had gender categories and I had to be in a female category because of what they perceived was in my pants even though they had not seen what was in or not in my pants.  They did not test my chromosomes or my hormones levels.  These people thought I could only compete in a category with other people who they thought had vulvas.  I guarantee that the vulva’s did not all look alike, nor were our hormone levels all the same and now that we know there are over 60 variations of chromosomes I am sure those were not all alike either.    I did not fit well into the group they put me with.  When I was put in women’s groups in sports I was constantly told back off, you are too much,   too aggressive.  I was also told consistently “Wow you are so strong for a girl.”  I hated that!  I could not seem to get away from the reminders in the world of athletics, especially in competition, that I was different and I was never what they understood me to be.  When I announced that I was officially transitioning one friend and a fellow high ranking martial arts instructor who is female, said “you should not transition because you will not be as special and as big of a fish as you are as a male martial artist.”

Yes, much of my fame as a martial artist has been due to the fact that I was born with a vulva. 

 My own instructor would feature me in demonstrations and shows because it was so phenomenal what I could do as a “girl.”  This got me on the “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” show, the Discovery Channel and more.  Most people never knew how hard that was for me inside.  Why couldn’t they just understand that I was good?  Why did they need to constantly say I was amazing for a “girl?”  Even though it was very difficult and I did not like being put in a category, I always chose to look at the positive and I am glad that I could walk that journey and hopefully help show the world that one’s athletic performance, strength, persistence and drive is not a due to one’s genitalia.  All of this attention was due to the fact that I was not just what they called a “girl” but an exception to all of what they knew as “girl” made it harder for me to say what I really felt inside.   How could I explain to them that, no, I am really not a girl?  I didn’t feel like a girl and never had.  I felt like I was playing a part in a movie and that almost no one really got who I was.  It was a very lonely place to be because people were so SET in their perceptions. 

I am proud that I feel I have walked a journey in the world of sports and martial arts that has hopefully paved a better way for women.  I am proud I have shown that people born with a vulva can do more than those born with penises ever realized  or understood and, and even more than many born with vulvas thought.  I have had many women walk up to me and tell me I have inspired them that they can do more than they had previously believed and that is a positive that I can keep.  I do have a unique understanding for what many women face all the time.  Perceptions they face because of the load of crap our society feeds us about gender and gender roles.  Because of this experience, I will always be a guy who lives and works to help empower women and break those archaic perceptions of gender and gender roles.   I also have to be myself and gender is about how we are in our hearts and minds.  Science has also proven through mapping the minds of transgendered people that our minds are wired and work the way of the gender we feel we are inside.  Which is no surprise to me; because I have always known that my mind is wired on the male side of the gender spectrum. 

My experience has taught me so much.  I feel at times that I played a part in a movie and in order to do what I loved, I could not fully and openly be myself.  I also know that walking that journey has made me, in the long run, a better man with much more understanding for all who face discrimination, societal pressure and who are struggling for the right and freedom to be openly and fully who they are.  I don’t show emotion easily and as I am writing this there are tears streaming down my face because I have never really talked about what was going on inside of me while being the famous martial arts champion, expert and master teacher.  It was bitter sweet.  Many thought I was great; I had it all.  I was talented and yet I was struggling for the strength to be fully true to who I am.  I was always concerned what would they think if they knew?  Would knowing take away my career, friends, and support?    Where would I fit?  Here is one of the ironic things about my relationship with my soul mate, the martial arts, on one hand I believe it saved my life.  Coming from the totally fucked up childhood as I did, I found the martial arts at six years old and it gave me something healthy to put the boundless energy I had into and it gave me an alternative and more healthy family to be a part of.   I also used it as an escape and a way out from my fucked up family life.  In doing that I put all of my identity into it and into what I accomplished and therefore became a crazy overachiever, while at the same time not feeling understood or that I could be who I truly was.  Finally, I decided I could not hide any longer and I feel more at peace inside then I ever have before.  I also was finally secure enough to realize that those who really cared about me would want me to be happy even if they did not fully understand and I was willing to risk losing some people that I cared about to be true to who I am. 

The best gift we can give those we care about, those who we call friends is the freedom to walk whatever their journey is and even if we don’t fully understand it be supportive.  Give them the freedom to be true to their hearts and do not expect people to live a lie or hide a part of themselves just to make yourself more comfortable. 

A Regular Guy

A Regular Guy

Recently, someone called me “a regular guy,” I chuckled.  There has never been much that is regular about me, but it actually felt nice in the context that It came from to be called just a regular guy.  Not sure how you would actually define a regular guy but the intent was “someone I can talk to and relate to”.  When a person transitions it affects those around them and each person who knows them even casually has to adjust and is challenged by this change in some way.  I think the reason this has such a far reaching affect is due to the heavy brainwashing that goes on in our society regarding gender roles.  From the time we are old enough to understand anything we are told, and shown, that things are different if you have a vulva than if you are born with a penis; even to the extent of the toys the child should choose to play with or not.  What does a penis or vagina have to do with that?  

Those who met me or knew me before any medical part of my transition and before I said publically I am transitioning of course have a different perspective from those who have meet me and gotten to know me since.  The ones who have meet me since say they cannot even imagine any hint of female.  The funny thing is those who knew me before always said things to me like “you are not like any girl I know,” and “you are more masculine then most men I know.”  These comments were before any hormone treatment of medical procedures.  Some of those same people from the past have had a hard time with me moving forward with transition and others say it makes total sense.

I have the privilege, as some of you know, of singing in the Seattle Men’s Chorus with two-hundred and fifty wonderful guys.  This last concert series we did had a big affect on my relationship with some of the guys in the chorus.  We did a version of the Beatle’s song “Imagine”, they asked a few of us in the chorus to come out as disenfranchised people and hold a sign.   I stood out in front of thousands holding a sign that said “Transgendered.” Not all of the guys in the chorus knew, so I was outing myself, yet again.  As an activist I do this often even though I don’t have to.  This made many of the guys step forward and be more vocal about their support or to talk to me about it.  One of my fellow singers, who I’d never had a chance to spend time with before, grabbed a snack and drink with me before the concert.  He had always been friendly but we had never chatted before, other than saying “hi, how are you.”     We chatted for about an hour, laughed and had a good time, at the end of the conversation he said to me “Mac, may I tell you something?”  I of course said sure.  He said, “I never really knew what to say to you before and was afraid I would say something wrong that would offend you so I kind of avoided talking to you other than saying hi, but you are really easy to talk to and a fun, nice, regular guy.  I am really glad we have had a chance to talk.”  I have thought about that conversation a great deal since and wondered how many others feel something similar -- worried about slipping on a pronoun or saying something offensive or concerned that they don’t know the lingo.  The way I am, if I know your intent is good then I figure we all make mistakes.  I don’t expect you to be perfect or know it all.  While some people in the GLBTQ community are quick to chastise people who don’t understand all of the lingo, I don’t believe this helps make positive change. 

Tips to help you talk with a Transgendered person

§  When not sure what pronoun to use ASK

§  If you slip – Apologize

§  If you don’t understand something ASK

§  No one transitions to offend you or make your life more difficult

§  We don’t bite unless asked nicely ;)

§  You can’t catch it

§  You will most likely never completely understand this if you are not transgendered

§  Have compassion

§  If you don’t understand something ASK

As transgendered people we also have a responsibility to help create positive change; like being understanding and forgiving when people make a mistake.  If we must correct a person do it with grace and a smile.   I don’t believe most people’s intent is to hurt or offend.  No matter how many times we have been hurt or offended if we choose to look from a positive perspective and not a negative one; things will change for the better.  We can control our own attitudes --starting with removing the chips off our shoulders!

We are all people first, let’s never forget that.  Then all the other labels represent pieces of us.  Uncle, lover, partner, brother, son, friend, artist, activist, athlete, singer, homosexual, heterosexual, bi-sexual, man, woman, transgendered, intersexed.  I could go on and on with the many labels we are dealt or give ourselves but really I am just a regular guy with various labels.   No one label is better than the other; they just represent a little piece of the pie of who we are.  Some days I am just a regular guy, who likes to hang out with my friends and puppies and have good beer.

Love a Transgendered person: Gender "Theology"

Love a Transgendered person: Gender "Theology": The gender roles our society created keep order and help many feel comfortable and safe. All born with a vulva must cook, clean; do most o...

Gender "Theology"

The gender roles our society created keep order and help many feel comfortable and safe.  All born with a vulva must cook, clean; do most of the raising of the children; always defer to the one born with a penis and be happy with that.  Those born with a penis of any sort must like sports; want to play with trucks; play war games; have footballs;  grow up to do the yard work;  take out the trash and make all of the important decisions.  How did our world ever buy into this crazy gender “theology”?  Twenty years ago anyone who strayed from these gender rules was called names like feminist bitch, fag, and queer and usually were shunned.   Thankfully, these days society is a bit more comfortable allowing a little more variation in this strict gender “theology”.  Women are allowed to vote, become doctors, lawyers, work outside of the home and even allowed to do yard work -- but it’s probably called gardening.  Men are allowed to cook (of course they call them chefs), design clothing, sew, be more involved in the daily raising of their children and they don’t necessarily all have to be jocks or macho to be accepted by society. 

The ends of the gender scale in the western world have expanded and there is still a lot more to learn and accept about gender.  Our culture and society in general still mostly views gender as a person’s genitalia.  Most people never see a person’s genitalia but still make judgments about them based on their perceived genitals.  This is ridiculous.  Now that I am no longer publicly perceived as female in anyway I get quite a chuckle about how people treat me and how differently they would treat me if they knew that I was not born with a penis.  I say I chuckle and sometimes I do and it also makes me very sad and aware of how shallow and fake much of our society is when it comes to gender and gender roles. 

I have heard of several small children, and have met a few, who have come out very early in life knowing that their physical bodies or genitals  do not match who they are inside.  It never fails to amaze me that our society is so shook up by a child who knows who they are at an early age.  Our so called civilized society would rather everyone go along like sheep; faking it to fit into the tiny tight boxes they have constructed for us.   Many are appalled when someone does not go along with the status quo.    Many people are outraged by parents and those allies who are supportive of these children, saying things like a kid cannot know that young who they are.  As someone who has lived this experience, and lived it in a society that puts out extreme pressure to fit into gender roles, this saddens me.  I truly wish I would have felt open to saying who I was at a young age.   I knew as far back as I can remember that I was masculine and saw myself totally as a boy.  No one should have to spend a lifetime, like I did, hiding who they are to be accepted, loved, or safe.  I commend schools, parents and any who allow a child to express who they really are and are supportive of them. 

I wonder if our society did not have so much invested in gender roles would children or people even feel any need to transition or declare their gender or a disorder know as "Gender Dysphoria"?  In other words, if we just allow people to be who they are from the start -- did not have a culture that says right away if you are born with a penis you will wear more masculine clothing and like blue and if you are born with a vulva you will have longer hair, like pink and play with dolls -- would there even be a need for transitioning? I propose that it is because of our society’s pressures that there is a need for such a thing.  If there was no shame for not fitting into this gender “theology” then would there be a problem?  People would be fine with their bodies if they were accepted and allowed to dress like they wanted to, play to roles they choose, wear make-up or not and not be ridiculed for any choices they make.   If people are actually accepted and loved for who they are inside, if their spirit and character is what really mattered who would care?  If people fell in love with a person for their kindness, compassion, sense of humor, companionship, integrity and did not prejudge on what genitals we think they have or do not have -- how different would things be?  I propose that this is a problem our culture or society has created.  For many years people who did not buy into the gender boxes were made out to be like side show acts at the circus or fair.  People were curious about it but afraid of it and still are.  Because I am very out about being transgendered many people tell me I am brave.  Anyone who does not exactly fit in to what our society says is the norm and is openly being who they are I guess is brave.  I am just being who I am.   I know that the more of us that are not the societal norm who are willing to openly talk about it the more understanding and tolerance there will be in society.    Trying to force them to fit in and be something they are not is cruel.  The day we know that our society is healthy and has matured is the day we are not threatened by people’s differences.  I look forward to that day -- when we are secure enough to allow and even enjoy others being whoever or whatever they are and realize that their being who they are does not threaten who we are. 

Celebrate Diversity!

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY - T-Birthday that is

The Journey is and has been amazing.  I feel more settled and centered in my body than ever before.  I feel, for me, there have not been as many big changes as for others because I was already so masculine.  The first time I went to a transgendered peer support group, before I started hormone therapy, I was shocked that it seemed for the most part I already looked more masculine and was more masculine then many who had been taking testosterone for years.  I discovered that my hormones levels were high on the testosterone end for someone born female. Not really surprising. The main thing that was missing was facial hair.   That experience actually made me initially question if I needed to take hormones and I am so glad I chose to go ahead.  I discovered that everyone begins from a different place so each transition or body’s reaction happens in different increments and each body has its own timing. 

The first noticeable change was my voice.  I started as a lower 2^nd tenor, as my voice has always been low but now I am a upper bass.   I lost a great deal of range and voice control as a singer during all of this which, thank the universe, is finally settling down,.  This is the hardest thing for me because I have always been a singer, love music and I’m currently singing in the Seattle Men’s Chorus.  Most of the guys in the chorus have been extremely supportive about my transition, with only a couple assholes.  In a group of about two-hundred and fifty guys that is pretty amazing.   Other changes in my body, which were not as apparent to me initially as much as they were by others who have known me well and intimately, are that my hips have narrowed and my neck has become thicker.   I always had an athletic body but now it is even more V shaped with my shoulders being broader and my hips more narrow. My itty bitty tits shrunk even more, thankfully, so I never had to deal with large breasts.  Then there is my boi cock – well let’s just say that it has grown and is still growing.  It is much thicker and has grown a couple of inches.  It no longer looks like any woman’s clitoris that I have ever seen (and I have had the privilege of viewing many).   My facial hair is really coming in now, “OH HAPPY DAY” and I love it.   My entire body has become more hairy, but I am glad that genetically my family is not overly hairy.  My whole body just feels thicker, more solid and more masculine. 

 I have a sense of being more rooted inside and out.  It is as if I don’t have to prove anything anymore.  Everything matches who I know I am inside - there is no conflict.  Those that have known me for years say I have always been confident and I was as an athlete and teacher but there was always an unsettling inside.  I had several close friends who just did not get it and I did not at the time know how to easily explain who I was.  I do know that those who did get it, got my spirit and who I was on the inside and treated me that way made me feel whole.  I also had friends who thought it was their job to constantly tell me, “You know you’re a girl, don’t you?”  I did not know at that time how to respond to that other than “am I like any girl you know?”  I did not know to start a conversation with them about what really makes a person a man or a woman.  I would love to go back and talk with some of them now and maybe one day I will get the chance to - or maybe they will read my blog.  Even though hormones change things on the outside, our physical being, the real power is on the inside.  My head feels clearer.  My confidence is a much more settled and it’s a quiet confidence.  It’s a knowing that it all feels right and that everything is in sync. 

The crazy things people have said to me in this journey when old friends found out I was going to transition still amaze me.   Things like, “I hope you don’t turn into one of THOSE men”, “You will have a hard time getting anyone to date you,” “You will get rage and a temper on T,” “Will you be gay or straight then?”  “You will want to have sex with just anyone or anything,” “You will have no self-control.”  I could go on and on.  I found it very interesting that this what people think of men?  There are some men who act in all of those ways and there also many good men, who have self-control and treat women with respect.  These statements and questions made me sad that people think this way.  I have not turned into one of THOSE men.  What my friend was referring to was male chauvinist pigs, who treat women like pieces of meat.   You are welcome to ask the women in my life how well they are treated.  I have had more dates then ever, so that was not and is not an issue.  I actually have become much more picky about who I have sex with and I have re-examined what I’m attracted to.  I am attracted to feminine energy and that can come in various forms.  I am very calm and have not experienced any form of rage or gained a temper.   As far as the gay or straight question, if you need a label I like to say I am just queer. 

It is interesting to watch how my transition has affected the people in my life, some old friends who have known me for many years and some newer.  I chose to make my transition public, many don’t.  Many quietly transition, don’t keep contact with many people from the time in their lives before transition; move to a new location, under a new name once they are “passable”.  I understand why many go this route.   I put a great deal of thought into how I wanted to do this.  I’ll admit there was a part of me that wanted to just go somewhere and totally start over.  However, I saw so much pain in the transgendered community, I knew that I was being called to be a positive light in the GLBTQ community.  My career has always been very public and I wanted to proceed with my transition in a way that would help educate others and make positive change.  Now I speak on gender panels and panels on sexuality and am a keynote speaker at events on gender and sexuality.   I am a co-chair of Seattle’s LGBT Commission and working to make positive change, equal rights and understanding for all.  I have some old friends even from the Christian Southern Baptist High School I attended that have been supportive and wonderful.   Of course, I still have some old friends who don’t understand, some who will barely speak to me now, some who probably think I am a freak, some who are praying for me to get healed.  I truly believe that we can make positive change by being warm, friendly and respectful even to those who don’t get us right now.   I will always speak to and treat those people with love and respect because that is the only way to bring about positive change.

I look forward to what this next year brings.